Resa's Rules for Dating (An Ongoing Process)

I'm learning a lot about myself through the men I'm around.
About my needs and my personality.
I am learning how I'm perceived by my sexy male counterparts.

Last week, laying next to my latest, our heads rested on separate pillows as we looked at one another.
Without saying anything we just stared into each others eyes.
What does that look mean? he asked.
Nothing, I responded.
You are a weird girl.
And I laughed.

This isn't the first time a lover has told me this.
Though I think crazy is usually more prevalent.
Though it's only been a couple weeks.
Give him time and surely that adjective will be added with all the rest.

One thing I have definitely resolved in the last few gents?
Physical Intimacy is a Requirement of Dating The Resa.
This may sound like a redundancy redundant statement, but I frequently find myself dating the unamorous guy whose got issues when it comes to canoodling.

I can't keep up with you.
You're like the guy in the relationship.
I am not healthy for you. You should not want to kiss me.

And all the while I'm wondering why we have to talk at all when we could shut up and let our bodies speak for us.

The longest, most intense, serious relationship I've had was with a guy who, from the beginning, couldn't keep his hands off me.
We made it two whole dates before sharing a kiss and to this day, he is the only person I ever "watched" a movie with three times in a row without stopping.
That would be Coffee and Cigarettes which I never actually saw until years later.

The last guy I spent four unblissful months with only spent a few weeks of that time sharing his mad whore skills with me.
I spent the rest of those months trying to hide my needs and urges for physical intimacy and accepted that our dates instead consisted of watching youtube videos of writers speaking on the importance of vulnerability.

How sexy.

Why, you ask the obvious, did I then stick around all those months?

Because precisely when I'd hit the wall of frigid indifference he'd toss me a tiny nectar of affection and I'd think maybe I'd FINALLY get my sexy whore's mad skills back.
Alas.
He was merely a 6'4" tease.

He doesn't deserve a penis.

Somewhere along the 8th circle of Dante's Dating Inferno I forgot what it was like when there was actually passion in my relationship.

Latest Guy has reminded me how crucial it is for me to be with a guy who wants my clothes off as much as I want him to take them off.
On our first date? He grabbed my ass.
On our second date? We made out in a park.
On our third date? Well......it was even hotter.

And did he need to talk about his feelings afterwards?
Or need to text me incessantly the next day?
Or take to instantly calling me Dear and Love so it felt like we were already in a relationship?
No.
Just good old fashioned hot dirty fun.

I have been a deprived woman for years.
I feel like I should send him a fruit basket or something.

And I know everyone has their opinions on dating.
And Mother tells me there are certain qualities I need to look for.
And books tell me the do's and don'ts of how to land prince charming.
And that's swell and I'm open to all of it but I have my own disclaimer that I am hereby never compromising again.

If a guy's appetite doesn't match mine?
I'm not gonna stick around hoping he gets hungry.
This woman will have her desserts.
Somebody somewhere shares my affinity for whipped cream.

A Christmas Wish

Christmas stirs an overwhelming desire in me to connect with the people I am estranged from.
Even the people who've hurt me, the ones who no longer wish to talk to me, I have a heart that wants to tell them I'm thinking of them.

And I hope they are happy.

And I hope when they think of me they still smile.
I hope they will show up at my work someday out of the blue just because.
Just to give me a hug.
And to say they missed me too.

I hope that their anger has ceased and turned into a calm understanding.
I hope they realize that while in some ways I am very much a woman, in others I am still merely a girl.

I hope when they look up and notice the stars they remember the ones they saw in my eyes.

I hope they are loved.
And as joyful as I am.

So many wonderful things have happened I wish I could share every detail with them.
And we'd pour out our stories over coffee and eggs and laugh at all our foolishness and our unfortunate misunderstandings.

And marvel over the resilience of love.

And while I embrace the truth that I am crazy and weird and emotional I also bask in the glow that I am beautiful.
And for a moment, they thought that too.

And I am thankful for that.
And I am thankful for them.

Wherever they are, I know they already understand all I've written.
And all we'll never say.

Merry Christmas, Darling

 

 

tough, lover

There's this moment in the movie Burlesque when the Talented overcome the Bitchy.
Nikki, pissed that Ali, Miss Christina Aguilera, is going to dance her part tries to sabotage her performance by messing with the sound.
Only instead of making her look like an idiot, Ali is finally able to show them all her mad vocal pipes and get her dream fulfilled of starring in a show.

Watching this movie tonight, I couldn't help but feel akin to the fabulous Christina.

See, I not only had bitches trying to tear me down and feel without, I also had a guy try and tear me apart.

Only as Fate would have it, in spite of all their vile efforts, I am soaring higher than I have all year.

The drama that the haters at work tried to stir up has been upstaged by the fact I made Pacesetter, which is basically a fancy way of saying I was one of the years top sellers and as such, am recognized with an award that increases my pay, along with other benefits and is considered to be one of the companies highest honors.
And as a new employee, and working for a lower end brand it is not only next to impossible to make the cut it is also undeniably impressive.
I've got heads turning my way from all directions and they're noticing me.
"Wow. You made it? I didn't know that."
I work hard.
And I am good at my job.
And regardless of the lies some have tried to spread my performance outshined their hate.

Stars shine even brighter when darkness envelopes them.

And then there's the guy.
The brooding, calculated, deceptive DB.
He tried to make me feel wretched for caring with the heart that I have, for wanting to be restored when he wanted to be cruel.
I was so terribly wretched he even banned me from being in his life at all.

And then two short weeks after he cut the chord, I am being pursued by three different men.

Guess the jokes on you, asshole.

I found this sweet guy who can't keep his hands off me and another whose taking me out for the first time next week.
And just yesterday a handsome customer asked for my phone number.
"I don't really have an aunt I need to buy perfume for. I just thought you were cute and wanted to talk to you."

And while DB must imagine I sit here mooning over him, I'm already enticing complete strangers who make up stories just for a chance to talk to me.
And I'm already longing for another kiss from Guy's new lips who know exactly what I desire them to do.

And somewhere between the depressed fever that began my birthday and the warm glow I'm basking in now before Christmas, I am greedily anticipating the fireworks around the corner leading into New Year's.

The hateful can hurl their cruelty my way and bruise my heart continually.
And always, with a stubborness greater than they know, I will overcome.
And find ways to shine brighter, to gain new fans and open the eyes of strangers passing by.

You, doubters and cynics, the unloving and judgemental, have got nothing on me.

I shine.
And there is no denying the truth of that.

Saturn Return

Six years ago, around this same time of year, I learned that sometimes the guy you're crazy about totally sucks in comparison to the guy whose about to sweep you off your feet.

I was totally into my boss.
Clearly there really is nothing else to think about while working at Starbucks. Which is why it's very good I don't work there anymore.
And for a few months we had a playful, casual thing going.
I say playful but really that's a polite way of saying the kid wasn't all that into me but we still had sleepovers and occasionally drank alcoholic beverages.
He'd even brush his teeth after he smoked before he'd kiss me.
A modern day Jimmy Stewart.

So surprise surprise when on opening night of the show I was in he called off our tryst.
"I told you I didn't want a girlfriend."
'I didn't want a boyfriend.'
"You lied!"
And thus another mediocre relationship ended and I was heartbroken just days before my birthday.

My life is repeating itself.

BUT......Because Timing is not always so very cruel, I not only started dating several other guys but Narccissus came and swept me off my feet.
He still to this day, despite our tragic ending, was the most romantic beau I ever had.
The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, he called me for years.
He'd introduce me to his friends and family and say, Isn't she beautiful? I am so proud to be with her.

Now THAT was how a real man made me feel.
And how many months did I put up with texts reading, "Door's Open" as my suitors only efforts?

But see when it's been so long since a true gentleman has pursued you, you forget.
You forget how different it feels.
So in the mean time, you settle.
Because some attention feels better than no attention.
And maybe you'll win him over.
I mean, if he gets naked with you, he must like you at least a little?
Right??

Cut to now and I'm 30 and I've heard this is the time in my life for my saturn return.
My life pieces are supposed to fall into place.
And things from my past are supposed to circle back.

So for months I was totally into DB.
We had a playful, casual thing going and he even tried to make me one of his platonic paperdolls.
Though I was miscast in the role since he couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself.
I am so very enticing, after all.
Have you looked into my eyes?
"They're tractor beams for me to kiss you," DB once said.
How terribly romantic.

So surprise surprise when the day before my party he called off our tryst.
There are some very obviously strong emotions, and I just don't need drama between my friendships right now.
And thus another mediocre relationship ended and I was heartbroken just days before my birthday.

BUT......Because Timing is not always so very cruel, I started dating other guys.
And this new kid, Guy, seems to be on the verge of sweeping me off my feet.
Or at the very least, off my feet and onto his bed.
And really, what more does a woman need?

He looks at me like I'm a hot fudge sundae.
And I can't think of a more lovely Christmas present than that.

Oh, Hey DB?
Now that I'm getting horizontal with a new, tall lanky guy you think we could be friends again?
Clearly those "strong emotions" you claimed I felt were easily transferable.
I think you meant "strong hormones" but you never seemed to rock the stamina to keep up with me in that department.

Oh, that I were a man.....

It seems the "unhealthy" one wasn't me.
I got a promotion at work this week and was asked on a date by another new suitor.
Just nine short days after my tears spilled for the heartless rogue I'm giggling in the park with someone else's dreamy face inches from mine.

He was not so very special.
I. WAS.
And lucky for me, I carry myself everywhere I go.

How fortunate for the princes strong enough to kiss me.
Some Returns are definitely worth the wait.

come what may

When I'm not upset, I often struggle with what to write about.
I just have so much to say when I'm hurt.
But when I've healed it's all rainbows and unicorns.
Life is beautiful. Love. Embrace what comes your way.

B-O-R-I-N-G.
What am I, a Hallmark card?
Surely I have more to say than all that.

I sent Mr. Volcano a Christmas card.
Yes.
I am one strange little girl.
"I don't think I would ever send a Christmas card to an ex boyfriend, Resa. We are so different."

I guess when some conversations never get to be had Christmas feels like the time to send a little love.
And why not?
When someone's not in your life what more harm can one card bring?

But because life is so very curious the card was sent back to me.
It seems the time for forwarding his mail to his new address had expired so they placed the sticker with his forwarding address on it but sent it all the way back to me.
Surely it cost them more to mail it back the thousands of miles rather than forward it in the same town.
But life does not follow the laws of reason.

So I mused for a week over whether or not to resend the card.
Was I to interpret the cards return to me as a sign I shouldn't have sent it in the first place?
The card also came to me on my 30th birthday.
Timing, you perverse bitch, what makes you do the things you do?

And then one morning I woke up.
And I don't know what changed, but I had.
And without a word I grabbed another envelope and carefully penned the new address and marched across the street and dropped it in the mailbox.
I got that card for him.
Of course I should send it.

And because Timing is having her dirty fun with me she also delayed sending me the book I ordered for DB by an excessive amount of weeks.
So I was faced with another dilemma; whether or not to still mail it to him anyway.
In case you're just tuning in, DB would be the "Gentleman" who after months of close companionship decided he wanted nothing more to do with me days before my birthday.
Nothing says Happy Birthday like your crush telling you to Fuck Off.

And obviously the logical answer would be NO give the book to ANYONE ON THE PLANET but him.
And then I thought about Grace and Mercy and Love and about the kind of woman I aspire to be and I thought how much more of a gift it might mean if after everything he came home to find it.

When people you love give you presents doesn't it feel special?
And when people you've used and treated with cruelty give you presents doesn't it feel overwhelmingly special?
Or has anyone you've ever hated bothered to bless you with something?


.............................

Life surprises with choices and new possibilities every day.
I forget how much power I actually have in who I'm going to be.
No matter what they choose to never do.
My heart does not decrease in spite of their efforts to crush it.

And what a gift to remember that.
To remember all that I already have, all that I am,
in their absence.

Only, I'm the dude in this instance