You got me fired. Enjoy your karma.

The problem with being so fucking fabulous is that you piss a lot of people off.
A LOT of people.
If you're mean or ugly or just mildly annoying you'll piss a few people off because who doesn't occasionally wish they could chuck a snowball at an ugly, mean person's face?
SHUT UP! NOBODY CARES!!
But being awesome is a threat of far more severity because that means jealousy.
Greed. Competition. Sensitivity. Insecurity.

Basically every teen movie becomes a reality.
And I'm crowned the alpha mean girl.

Just call me Regina George.
And yes, my hair is so big because it's full of secrets.

I got fired yesterday.
Yep.
F-I-R-E-D.
And juxtaposed with my most successful week with the company.

I was the only one on my line to make my presell goal, I broke my own personal high for daily and weekly sales and one day I even sold so much I ranked number 10 in the ENTIRE STORE, clothing, shoes, designer, included, even outselling the manager for La Prairie.
"You beat me two days in a row! she said to me. Your price point is like $14! How did you do that?? Congratulations!"
(To give you perspective, her average price point for a La Prairie product is something like $300).

I'm a huge baller is what I am.

Is it any wonder I instilled a little jealous rivalry??

"Your teammates don't feel you contribute to the daily counter duties. You don't do stock or get bags. You're not a team player and you have an attitude problem."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

And the fact I out performed their asses in sales the past several weeks has nothing to do with their petty complaints.

Can we just run those store surveillance tapes from the last 7 days I worked without a day off during our busiest time and note how many times I am carrying bags, restocking gifts and filling product at the counter?

Oh? No?
We can't look at any actual tangible, factually evidence?
Oh that's right.
Because there is none.

Good thing you haven't hired a counter manager for the last umpteen months so it's my word against theirs.

Did I mention the two of them have worked at the counter less than a fifth as long as I have?

Right. Right.
What do I know.
I'm only a pacesetter whose consistently out performed most of the department I work in.
I'm a lazy good for nothing bitch.
I should be sacked.

Oh.
And I am.


The two villainesses sadly shot their own deformed toes off though because a counter that's already down three people and a counter manager is going to be an even bigger nightmare to work for.

Aren't you glad you got rid of the big, bad rockstar, ho's?
Now you can help every needy, annoying customer all by yourself!!

God speed.


The worst of the villainesses is 10 years my junior, out to prove her penis is in fact bigger than mine (I relent! You win!) who boasts a schnoze bigger than Ashlee Simpson's was pre nose job.
The older, less abrasive villainess is high on valium all the time and usually more confusing than anything else.


My favorite part of the day the company gave me the finger is that the schnoze, hours after I left the store, sent me a Facebook message asking me, "Why did you delete me? I thought we were cool?"
Oh. Yeah.
TOTALLY.
We are so cool I'm gonna kick your ass straight to hell just so you can warm up, that's how cool we are.
Stuff that in your schnoze and snort it.

But truthfully?
I am glad you're in my life.
Because it's so much more fun making fun of ugly people

The tragi-comedy climax was right before I got the axe, the store manager came up to me, her panties in a tight twist, and frantically told me I had to cover up because I was showing too much cleavage.
It was the final nail in the coffin of Nordstrom giving me the finger.

Was there anything about me that wasn't offensive to everyone?

Obviously my huge rack got me canned.
I need to work for a man.

He will fucking LOVE me.

They always do.