Saturday, October 29, 2011

But I want what I want

I don't always know what's best for me.
I know I think I do.
I have more opinions about more things than most people probably consider their whole life.
I know what I think about yesterday and what you did yesterday and what shoulda happened yesterday.
But I'm finally coming to the humble conclusion that as much as I think about all that I'm thinkin' about I don't know that I know much about what I think I do.

I've an astonishing capacity to fool myself.
It's a gift.
A very Resa thing to do.

I don't think I'm one of those robots who merely want what they can't have.
I simply want what I think I know I should get.
Gimme gimme.
And make it extra sparkly and debonair.
And carrying roses.
As a start.

The problem is that I so often seem to have just about everything figured out I rarely take into consideration someone else's adaptability.
I'm convinced I could talk a rock into turning into a butterfly based solely on my powers of persuassion.
So when the rock sits there and flips me the bird instead, my propensity to be dumbfounded is laughable.

What. Do. You. Mean. You're. Not. Gonna. Become. What. I. Believe. Can. Be. True??
Do you know who you're talking to??

Free will, Reese.
Every schmuck has their own free will and if they don't want what you want then they can be as stubborn an ox as they like.
And they will never turn into a butterfly.
Assholes.

My revelation was how this can continue to surprise me again and again and again no matter how many times I'm convinced I'm the Princess of Rightness.
People still refuse to kiss my royal slippers.
Or my royal lips, depending on the circumstance.

But people should not surprise me!
It's the same scratchy record looping again, the same dashed hopes, the same misconstrued identities.

But this just in--
       it is actually possible to love without feeling that loves reciprocity.


Contrary to popular belief what you choose to do doesn't have to be influenced by what others choose to do.
And thank God for that.

Because eventually, some schmuck is gonna realize this princess is pretty damn clever.
And her visions are worth coming to fruition.

But I guess that's just my oh so humble opinion.
You're free to do with it what you will.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

my loves

There are some people who know you in this way that surprises you.
They are the ones you don't see for months, years, but who always understand you.
They are the few who believe in the sparkle within you and encourage you when some stranger has nearly drained it all away.
They are the ones you long to see but rarely do.
But you love them anyway.

There are some people who never allow themselves to know you.
They are the ones who push you away, who don't make time to walk under stars.
They are the few who make you doubt your own heart and question your own sanity.
They are the ones you long to see but rarely do.
But you love them anyway.

There are some people who are always there for you.
They are the ones who call when they haven't heard from you, who reach out with a consistency that rivals Mother.
They are the few who've seen your tears and who smile at you in a way that few bask in.
They are the ones you long to see and always do.
And you love them.
you love

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hey you. Yeah. I'm talking to you.

Stranger
these seemingly insignificant exchanges weigh heavily
pulling on heartstrings
to play a chorus it had forgotten it longed to sing

I was initially flattered
and touched
even inspired and hopeful in some unconscious way

but inevitably
as ill fitting things are wont to inspire discomfort
the interpretation has left much to be desired

and suddenly it all seems so unfair
even mean
like everything I imagine love to be only in reverse

and I want to scream into the wind that it's not what I wanted,
this half way, this limbo of isolation
in hopes that the breeze would whisper in his ear, e-n-o-u-g-h

but what's a girl to do?
with no control
no power
no new lover to get lost in
no old love to forget because he always reappears

and for what?
for what poetry to bespeak?
but merely words
careless words
eagerly spilling
to bleeding ears

and all I want
all I ask
is for action
to replace
every well meaning ill timed misguided word

they no longer bring me joy

but he never sees
will never see
anything beyond the rims of his own glasses




Wednesday, October 19, 2011

my mistake

you threw off my groove
you shattered my plan
a lust game of sheer taking
my temporary high of a man

your role was that of Lacuna
my distractions replacement
but you hastened to the boat alone
you scurried away from our arrangement

f-f-friends, you stuttered carelessly
lies spilling from lips to ears
confusion clouded contentment
grey shadows lurked in mirrors

so those eyes that swam with mine
compelling beams enticing kisses
a shaky wall now stands erect
tallying three hits and countless misses

my pearls worn vainly in jest
tossed before some strangers shoes
unknowing of my genuine surprise
to find I am a mistaken muse

so each song shall sound unheard
and each film shall play unseen
as each memory forgets to be remembered
some crazy girl merely bleeding green

convulsions and compulsions

Apparently I did something to screw up my back.
I'm pretty sure it was just how I was breathing.
Regardless it's so screwed up that when I got a massage last week it was the most painful massage of my life.
I really wanted to punch the guy in the face.

But the next day, to my disbelief and delight my back pain had lessened severely.
I told him when I went in today that even though it had really hurt, it helped.
But I can only fall asleep when I'm on my left side and that's the side that's really screwed up.
So one short week passed and I seemed to be back where I started in pain.

He said it takes a long time to break old patterns.
But that working through the pain was worth it.
Because the body is adaptable.
And sure enough today was far less painful than last week was.

I guess a lot of things are that way.

It's funny to me that the only way I can fall asleep is to lay in such a way that strains my body.

It's also funny that the people I want to hear from I never do and the people I don't want to hear from never disappear.

Lots of bad habits all around.

But there is the silver lining that while I can't influence any of the thems to change any of their doos, I can change my own.

And I can disappear completely.

Even if it hurts to form a new habit.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A Resa Chase

"Right now, you're pursuing me."
'What?? I....what? I'm not....what....you're crazy. I'm not pursuing you.'
"Well, maybe I want to pursue you. Maybe the guy likes to pursue."

If I had a twenty for every time a man told me I was too aggressive, I would have had enough money to buy the Chanel bag I've always wanted years ago.

You know the industry that's built on writing self help books and relationship guides for women clueless concerning men?
I'm their target audience.
I'm certain if the women who wrote The Rules and the guy who wrote He's just not that into you and the shrink who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus were watching my life as a reality tv show, they'd all be cursing like sailors and throwing their bon bons at the tv screen at my blatant disregard for Dating 101.

I aim to entertain.

The thing is, I've read all those This isn't bullshit, He really does think differently from you books and I understand our different hard wiring and that men desire a chase and I desire to be chased.
I'm savvy.  I get it.
Really.
I do.

It's juuuust.......

You know how smokers KNOW they're destroying their lungs and increasing their risks of cancer but their addiction and thrill from those little white sticks makes that knowlege moot?
Or how everyone saw or at least heard about the movie Supersize Me and understands full well how horrible fast food is but still inhales it at least once a week?

My dating habits are kind of like that.

I hate waiting.
And I'm ALWAYS attracted to the men who move like molasses.
You know, the guys who are like, Yeah, maybe I'll call her, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll wait and see how I'm feeling later. Maybe I'll just wait 'till next week to call her. I mean, there's no need to rush. And I'm not really sure I'm ready for a relationship right now.

And I'm like, Hello!! I'm hot! You're cute! Let's get this party started!!!

I'm almost certain if I gathered every guy I've ever dated in the same room together they'd unamimously agree that their first impression of me was that I overwhelmed them.

We all have our gifts. And mine certainly don't include docility.

But there's something very poignant when I'm mere months away from a new decade in having a man look me in the eyes and tell me I need to simmer down.

Maybe it IS time my actions aligned with my knowledge.
After all, I do have such a stellar track record with dudes.
Perhaps a new tactic would be worth the effort.

"Well, you're probably not.....I mean......are you like this in all your relationships?  Do you pursue like this?"
I nodded slowly.
And then proceeded to hit my head repeatedly on the table.

Some things I'll never learn.
But some things just need to be drilled into my impatient brain.

And it's much easier listening to a handsome face than some know it all stranger in a book.

The Resa Way is not Always the Right Way.
But it certainly can be fun, for the moment.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

you said...what?

I finally got back into writing my book.
I think I stopped for a few reasons.
But I think the main one was that the part of the story I'd gotten to was one of the most painful.

Skip ahead, one of my girlfriends had suggested.
But I could never do that.
The story reflects all that truly transpired. 
I might jump from here to there in sequence to help the chapters flow but nothing significant is left out.
That's just the kind of writer I am.

As I sat here, finally recounting what happened a little over a year ago, I went through old emails looking for accurate quotes and stumbled across a couple things that made my head shake with knowing sadness.

One was that just weeks before he broke up with me, Mr. Volcano sent me this email:
 Hi love,
 I love you very much.  Right now, we are experiencing an arduous time in which our individual needs are quite opposite.  This does not change how I feel, it just means that we both need to bend a little.  Lately I am trying to, and you are now by giving me a few days to recuperate.  I do not know if there is a direct solution to this, but there is a hope we can share because this situation is temporary, and what we have is so good that it is by far worth a bit of endurance.  We just need to trust each other.  We are not on the verge of a breakup, and I hope this helps you know that.  Sorry to be short, it is simply because I need to catch up with myself and rest, pray.  Thanks for your understanding.


It was like finding something straight out of a Jane Austen novel or some tragic movie.
And leave it to me to find something so heartbreaking so divinely beautiful.

I also found my last message to him, one, of course, he never responded to. 
And remembering the end and the middle of something that once took up all my thoughts, was so freely liberating to realize I not only survived all that, I am so much more, more than even I realized.
And certainly, more than he ever did.


Let's make a deal-if you have something to say to me please pay me the courtesy of the truth and say it to ME. Write me a scathing email, bitch at me all you like, but please stop slandering me to your friends. If I hear one more....”Did you hear what Mr. Volcano told-so and so- about you?” I'm gonna kill a puppy.

I KNOW YOU. I KNOW WHAT A ROCKSTAR GEM OF A MAN YOU ARE. So hearing from others about how much you despise me and are warning others to steer clear of me? Not buying it. And not believing for a second that wonderful man that you are would ever be so common place as to engage in slanderous gossip. Rubbish. Mr. Volcano is different. And that's why he's so damn amazing.

Besides, your fear of me pining for you and waiting for the day you'd return from the mountain to rush to my side and declare your undying love for me has been upstaged by me falling for someone else. My stupidity marked your freedom. Resa ain't holdin' on to no Volcano dream anymore. So THAT should ease your mind and soul with great relief. Your prayers have been answered, darling.

That's the end of my rant.

I HAVE heard nasty things through the rumor mill and I'm not gonna lie. IT HURT. Especially coming from you, Mr. Volcano.
I'M AN AMAZING PERSON.
And you're not such an idiot that you don't know that by heart.
Who else do you know that would continue to send love toward you after you've done everything you can think of to cause her pain?
Not many, that's for damn sure.
And then I realized I don't need to hear anything from you or the rumor mills.
I BELIEVE IN THE AMAZING MAN YOU ARE.
And the amazing woman I am.
And I don't EVER need to hear from you again to believe THAT truth.
Please don't write me back.
Just promise if we ever do talk again you will be honest and loving and different.
I'd rather wait 10 years to talk to him.

sick sickies from sickertown

Some people have a rockin' stellar threshold for pain.
I am not one of those people.
I'm such a wuss when it comes to anything uncomfortable I've never even had my eyebrows waxed.
I haven't so much as plucked a hair.
And I have no intention to.

I'm also one of those people who takes the bandaid off one painfully slow ripped piece of skin at a time.
I don't wanna get it done quick and dirty.
I wanna ease myself into it.
I'm a big baby, is what I am.

So imagine my joy in waking up to what is now DAY FIVE of this wretched viral plague.
I know, in the grand scheme of life five days is a paltry, frivolous amount of time.
But I'm so damn sick of spending all day alone.
And I'm so damn sick of lacking the energy to do anything, save for reading, writing, and watching movies.

I swear once I'm feeling better the first thing I'm going to do is go for a run.
Just because I have the energy to do it.
I don't even care if it's raining.
In fact, I kinda hope it is.

Mama told me I need to not let stress get to me so much.
And Grandma told me if I believe He will heal me, He will.

I don't think there's anybody who wants me to be well more than I.
I CAN'T STAND BEING ILL.

I feel so helpless and pathetic when I'm this sick.
And it only seems to happen to me at the most inopportune times.
I remember when I moved last year and then Mr. Volcano broke up with me and then I got the worst flu in possibly my entire life.
Life sucked balls then.
It didn't just rain, it tsunamied.

Thankfully though, when you're this far gone, it's the little things that really brighten your day.

I had my first cup of coffee in nearly a week and regardless of that layer of sickness coating my tongue it was the most delicious thing I've sipped in days.
I woke up this morning feeling like the pudding in my ears has finally drained and while I still lack the strength to stand for more than ten minute increments, I know I'm getting stronger.

Overcoming something that zaps the entirety of your strength makes all else life throws your way seem like a simple feather in comparison.

Surely when I'm finally well enough to get back to being a part of the world beyond my living room, I'll be so grateful to be there I won't even care who missed me and who hadn't noticed I was gone.

Simply being there will be enough.
And I'm counting down the hours 'till I can muster the strength to stand amidst it all once again.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

missing him

I was steaming vegetables and I thought about him.
Broccoli always makes me think about him.
It had been, what? Nearly a year since I'd heard from him and yet there I was pajama clad in my kitchen, looking at frozen broccoli and thinking about him.

I wonder if there's anything that makes him think of me?

He lived on frozen vegetables.
And he loved broccoli the way most people love chocolate.
He'd eat it raw and act like it was mana from heaven.
He'd scramble eggs and throw it in his bowl of vegetables and I'd never known anyone to do that before.
He'd look at me and smile as he inhaled his bland concoction, just sitting there, happy as a clam.

He was one strange, tall, skinny man.

But it made me shake my head in amusement being reminded of him.

Just yesterday watching Jane Eyre made me think of another him.
My Mr. Rochester, my ill fated love affair.
Only as far as I knew he wasn't blind and still maintained all his appendages.
But he certainly still thought about me.
This. I. knew.

I wonder what things make him think of me?
And if I ever bombard his thoughts during dinner.
Or just late at night.

And remembering the other him's made it somehow easier to miss the him that had been merely a page when I'd longed for him to fill a chapter.

I suppose my fever made me delirious.

And may all my fallen princes find an extra struggle in closing their eyes tonight.....
recalling the lovelies they allowed to slip from their fingertips.

forget me nots

It's been a year.
A year since my coffee scandalousness.
Since I let one man make me forget myself.

And now here I am, out on the other side of it all, and yet there was a new man who I let make me forget myself.

This man, incapable or unwilling, rather, to give me what I wanted, what I needed, what I deserved, told me I made him crazy and withdrew as quickly as whence he came.

A Facebook stalker had wormed his way into my affections and now here I was looking at his page, wondering what all he was up to, without me.

It was comedy, is what it was.
I couldn't have written it better myself.
Though I probably would have included more bedroom scenes, but that's just me.

But still, even with acceptance, change is hard.
Anytime anyone seems to no longer see you it leaves you scratching your head, pondering, was it me?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Maybe I shouldn't be so great in bed??

If only.
I'll stick with that story just because it makes me smile.

Who knows.
I think trying to understand something the person shaking the boat doesn't even understand is a wasted effort.
I think the point is sometimes people don't know why they do what they do because they're impulsive and they act without thinking.
Maybe they felt one way one day and then they changed their minds.

And that's ok.
I change mine too.

I met up with a girl I barely knew.
Isn't it peculiar how easily we can tell our intimate thoughts to someone who hasn't even gained our trust?

I told her how this guy once made me feel like I was some friend he was ashamed of because he never invited me out with all his other friends, the real friends he was always spending time with.
I felt like I was this side door friend. He'd hang with me in his living room but never wanted to meet me out in public. It made me feel bad.
That's bullshit. You're gorgeous, she responded.

And I laughed.
And I don't know why it took someone I didn't know to remind me of something I'd nearly forgotten.

I was gorgeous.
And I was someone people wanted to spend time with.

Isn't it amazing how easily we can let one person make us doubt all we are?

I'm sure that is a great flaw.
But I'm going to see the awe in knowing some individuals possess the power to change my world, to change what I see.
Surely there are some who wish to change it for the better.