I'd like you so much better if I'd never seen your penis

I have always wished that I could stay friends with an ex.

I've met those girls.
The ones who stay buds with their old flames.
They meet each others new hookups and they all go to carnivals together and eat elephant ears and it's like some music video to a Taylor Swift song.

I've never understood those girls.
Just like I've never understood the appeal of anal sex or beer.

My relationships with my exes are never reminiscent of a pop ballad.
Mine get me blocked from Facebook.
They involve pronouncements like, I don't need this much drama in my life or My wife says I can't talk to you anymore.

And even though every ending to every love affair I've ever experienced more likely resembles the ending of Anna Karenina than Twilight, my hopeful, stubborn determination is to maintain a friendship with SOME ex.
Some time.
Clearly, not anytime soon.

I emailed Mr. Volcano last week, motivated by god knows what, and I ended up with this.

The journey goes well for me, and each day I am filled with gratitude and astonishment at the beauty life chooses to reveal.  I hope you still experience great joy and smiles daily as well.  Good to hear from you, and happy summer!


What the hell is that even supposed to mean?
I swear he didn't sound like a fortune cookie while we were dating.


Why is it so hard for people to be real?


Hope you still experience great joy....??
Yeah, every day when I'm frenching my well endowed lover, you self righteous ass monkey.

What a fucking phoney.


I know what you're thinking.
"He sounded nice."
Riiiiiiight.
Let's take you back a couple years to his last parting words and the slander I caught him in and the fact we've had no dialogue since.


Why did he bother writing me back in the first place?
At least indifference doesn't involve pathetic attempts at vague pleasantries.
I would have preferred he not respond at all.


Ugh.


Men are idiots.
Thank god for the ones who can form a sincere sentence without sounding like they're writing from an ashram in New Guinea.

I'm so glad my hippie days are over. 

But you know, hearing from my ex did remind me the journey goes well for me too. 
It made me really think about how far I've come. 
And how smart it is to no longer be dating baristas from Starbucks. 

The beauty life chooses to reveal today is that latent homosexuals who nailed you on your roommates bed that run with the polar bears to "find themselves" should not be your Facebook friend. 

Exes merely exist so we have something to laugh at other than ugly bitches.