My computer destroyed my old lovers

My computer crashed again.

It happened once in 2008 when I lived in Rhode Island.
I lost everything, including all pictures of me and Narcissus, which I took as a sign to embrace his absence.

Years later, in a really bizarre and creepy manner, my email account starting resending me old emails.
At first I thought the roommate I'd had a huge falling out with was playing some kind of prank on me.
Because they were emails from 2007 when we lived together.

Then, because that wasn't odd enough, I started getting even older emails I'd sent to Narcissus with pictures of him and I together.

I felt like I must be the unknowing object of some reality tv show and the world was waiting to see how I'd react when the ex love of my life suddenly flashed across my computer screen.

But all I really felt was.....I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.
And.....he's not as handsome as I remember.

Taste changes.
And photos prove it.

So it was only mildly shocking when my computer did it again a few weeks ago and everything was once again no longer in existence.

Initially I was indifferent.
So all my photos were gone.
So what?
Most of them are on Facebook anyway.

Except of course for any I had of Mr. Volcano or Prince Charming.
But again I thought, all the better.
I don't need pictures of faces on my computer as a reminder of all someone could never be for me.

And then my guy and I tied one on the other night and ended up having a really open conversation about past lovers and heartaches and he even showed me some pictures of old girlfriends.


The insanely confident diva in me had to bite my tongue from declaring, MY GOD, MAN! DID YOU TRADE UP OR WHAT??!

Some thoughts should really be saved for cocktails with girlfriends.


But out of curiosity, I searched my email account, to see if there might be any pictures of either of them anywhere.
And there were.
Not all the ones I'd hoped for, but at least a couple.
And even the one made me really happy.

I realized as our drunken stupor brought us closer that night, that it is actually kind of great to still have those pictures of the people you used to love, the people who used to be your world.

They serve as this kind of reminder of all that has changed.
And how for the perfect bliss that nearly existed the moment those photos were shot, whatever is right now, is always better.

And I'm so glad for that.
I'm so glad to know that regardless of what remains stored on some hard drive, the memories, however complex and painful still exist.
And they still induce smiles.

But none so real as the ones parting my lips now.
And that's mine.
And I will always have that.