Everything's just fine

People are dishonest.
I don't mean specifically that everyone tells lies but people rarely are uncandidly honest.  Because to be that raw, to strip away all subtext and nuance and innuendo and just say what you actually mean takes guts. 
And it is my summation that we are all big insecure cowards.
Sadly, I add myself to that category.
But I'm self aware and I'm working on it.
I've decided if I can be uncandid with a rare few than I can work up the courage to be that way no matter who chooses to toss words my way.

The other day at work a coworker who I would say I trust, someone I thought I was pretty tight with, was extremely judgmental and condescending toward me.  That shocked me and it pissed me off.  And I already felt like I wanted to stab something repeatedly and I was in no mood for someone to treat me that way, let alone someone I thought was a friend.

But this is error number one: just because someone is a friend, a family member, a lover, a co worker, does not in fact mean they will treat you any differently than a complete stranger.

We think that if someone loves us, if they care for us or spend time with us or really know us then they will treat us differently than the general hostility of the indifferent world.

FALSE.

People are selfish.  People are fickle, emotional, inconsistent, self serving, pious, hypocritical, ego driven, quick to judge, manic, moody bastards.
And those are just the ones who care about you.

Do you know why we get upset?  Because people let us down.
They judge when we expect them to understand.  They condescend when we anticipate compassion.  They aren't there when we need them, they don't believe the best, they aren't quick to forgive, they won't always return texts and always, always, always, we're left feeling disappointed, feeling bitter, feeling distrusting.
Because they're not who we thought they were.

But my dear one, they never were.  They  never are.

The freeing truth is that no one is who we think they are.
Because we are all dirty little liars.
We are much too cowardly to say what we think.
We are far too insecure to be the person we truly are because we're too busy portraying the person we think we should be.

My coworker who reacted like a bitch when I told her something personal knew right away something was up with me.  I didn't have the energy to pretend I was fine when I wasn't so I let my disdain known: by passively remaining silent.  The truth is I'm generally, under most normal, day to day circumstances, a bubbly happy -go- lucky person.  And people expect consistency.  They think that once they've figured you out, once they've labeled you, boxed you up and put you on the shelf, that's the way you are and any deviation from that is subject to scrutiny.  And years ago I might have feigned effervescence just to keep from ruffling any feathers.  But I didn't care about the box people had me in.  I was in the livid box and I was damned if I was going to paint a smile across the rage that was fuming behind my lips.

Eventually she commented that I was "acting differently" and still I ignored her.  I wouldn't tell her I was mad at her and hurt by what she said.  She is so frightfully timid and shy I felt like if I told her it would really upset her.  She is the type of girl to cry when we run out of whipped cream so I certainly didn't anticipate her handling me telling her how pissed I was at her insensitivity.  But she knew I was upset.  And why?  Because when we say or do something we know is unloving it's painted on our insides.  So the next day when she said "I thought you were mad at me" what she really meant was I knew you were mad at me.

Why do we waste so much energy pretending things we all know are lies?
Aren't you as fucking tired as I am?

I can't stand it when people are passive aggressive with me.
You have a problem, then tell me.
And you know what, I'll work on tossing aside my sensitivity to how you might take the truth and just throw it out there.  Because regardless of what I do or don't do, whether I just smile nicely or sigh in annoyance, you will think what you want to think, you will not do the things you say you will and judge me for the things I don't do and I can't waste any more of my life worrying about the lot of YOU.

I have some other important things to do.
Like go to work at the coal mines with all the other nameless nobody's and rejects.
But hey, at least I'll be damn honest about it.
And the next time you piss me off you won't have to ask because I'll make sure and tell you.
And I'll say, No, actually everything is not fine.
But you already knew that.....didn't you?