I love therefore I'm Resa

I had to love in order to be.

We all have talents and gifts and the one I was sincerely learning this year was how to love.

I seemed to be surrounded at work, in the theatre, with new and old friendships by women whose lives I managed to somehow influence.  I have an assertive personality.  I'm pushy and forward and bold.  And it always felt good when my lack of silence or behaving demurely was actually a good thing.  I influenced lives with my big mouth and that gave me purpose.  It brought a smile to my crimson lips.

And I thought about my inability to maintain a relationship (my boyfriends always needed to go find themselves or marry someone else or just go home to the familiar) but I began to wonder if the reason there were so few men in my life was because they distracted me from my purpose: I was here to bless, encourage, nourish the spirits of other women and unleash their buried boldness by accosting them with mine.
And men, ooh boy, men were a beast I seemed unable to resist. Satan knows my weakness, I told a friend once to which she replied, And it ain't chocolate.  I love with such intensity that I will easily sacrifice myself on the altar of self if it will make the man I love smile.
When a passion is uncontrollable it is dangerous, moreover, it deters, it becomes a hindrance.
I told my mother once that in a nutshell I'm helpless to beautiful men who need me.
How can I think of my own needs when those adoring eyes look to me pleading for escape?
So my lack of boundaries with men who inevitably take more than they give leaves me susceptible to great heartache and tear stained sheets.
But more importantly it debilitates me from strengthening anyone else.
So maybe the men who vanished weren't merely great fools, maybe it really was me.  Maybe those who held me back had to be removed so I could learn to get out of my own way, so I could learn that the overwhelming desire in my heart to love wasn't meant for just some man. 
Maybe this love was meant for a great many others. 
Maybe it was just too intense a thing to offer one person.