Self Actualized or Deluded. A Toss Up.

Today I recognized a behavioral pattern of mine.

I don't really know how I suddenly became so aware of what I was doing because I know I've done exactly the same thing in probably nearly every relationship I've ever had and I don't think I've ever once stopped and reflected on my actions while I was doing them.

I've either a super heightened self awareness or I've consumed far too much vodka for my brain to process actions at their standard speed.

I go on auto pilot with the men I date.
I had no idea I checked out like that.
But I do.
It's as though my actions themselves move me.
Rather than my own will controlling anything.

There are one of two fears we all possess.
The fear of losing the intimacy we've gained or the fear of gaining it in the first place.
So when such affections take two by surprise, what happens next is always surprisingly predictable.
Someone pulls away while the other reaches out in desperation.
Suddenly the closeness that seemed to entwine is the driving force that repels the two apart.

Like the sprinkling of salt that fuels a fire of liquor, burning on the stove, when poured too quickly in indulgent quantities the salt actually smothers the fire.
Burying the flame in its entirety.

I am that salt.
And I have never learned to pour slowly.

The patience for such caution eludes me.
The discipline for such precision annoys me.

So I've always flavored all I want.
How I want.
When I want.

And never understood why my lovers wandered away, in search of barrels of water.

But today I must have tripped.
I must have stubbed my toe on the salt shaker lid with all the holes in it.
Because I suddenly felt the pour flowing too quickly.
I tasted it.
And I felt thirsty.

And I saw, for possibly the first time, how vibrant the flame was, as is.
And I told the fear stirring salt within me it was a foolish little fuck.

And I sipped on crisp water.
And remembered how sweet it tasted.
And I smiled, anticipating the delicious chocolates that lay in store.