Do you know what's so great about Batman?
How he can simultaneously be unpredictable and reliable at the same time.
You never know what he might do or when he'll do it, but you know when you really need him, he'll always be there.
I love that about Batman.
He is my boyfriend, after all.
Well.....
as much as anyone can be Batman's girlfriend.
He has so many other people to protect, you know.
Life has turned upside down once again and it's hard to see anything clearly.
It seems I fail as a woman in more ways than one.
And it's hard looking anyone in the eye when apparently they are the gateway to my villianous ways.
But no matter how many people yell I am bad as I am there is a small flicker of fire within me that fights to believe they are all wrong.
ALL. Of. Them.
And whenever I need a dose of faith, Batman appears.
He exists to remind me I am not bad as I am.
But that I am lovely.
I need men like that in my life.
Mother says I keep having this effect on men, this overwhelming need to have me, powerless to resist my irresistibility.
And yet they continue to run away with their hands in the air as though I were trying to place a hex on them.
And I stand there blinking my eyes in the distance.
I merely wanted to love you.
How vile of me.
But for a moment, a much needed moment, I was reminded my heart does show through my eyes.
And I should keep my head up.
And simply walk forward.
I have nowhere else to go.
I have no reason to stay.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Play Me
when I go-Slow Club
first day of my life-Bright Eyes
midnight coward-Stars
rocks and daggers-Noah and the Whale
high and dry-Radiohead
if i wrote you-Dar Williams
i was made for you-She&Him
love and some verses-Iron&Wine
slow show-The National
i will follow you into the dark-Death Cab for Cutie
sol solis-Moving Mountains
i go to the barn because-Band of Horses
wait-Alexi Murdoch
thistle and weeds-Mumford&Sons
first day of my life-Bright Eyes
midnight coward-Stars
rocks and daggers-Noah and the Whale
high and dry-Radiohead
if i wrote you-Dar Williams
i was made for you-She&Him
love and some verses-Iron&Wine
slow show-The National
i will follow you into the dark-Death Cab for Cutie
sol solis-Moving Mountains
i go to the barn because-Band of Horses
wait-Alexi Murdoch
thistle and weeds-Mumford&Sons
A Bad Situation
You are bad for me.
The words kept echoing in my head for days.
I couldn't believe they had really been spoken.
And by someone I really cared for.
Surely, there had been a mistake.
He must have thought he was talking to a different person.
Another Resa.
Someone who didn't care about anyone but herself.
It's frightening how people can really perceive you.
I not only thought this person liked me, I thought they got me.
You know, one of those people who knows what you're thinking before you say it, who guesses you're still in bed and craving kisses rather than being productive on your day off.
That kind of understanding.
But instead my desire for friendship had created a bad situation.
I was becoming a bad situation in every area of my life.
And here I thought we were supposed to just be ourselves.
Apparently not when yourself is so extreme.
Because I'm too much and need to be toned down.
Take it down a notch, the only acting note I got from my first film class.
I'm too much.
Too much for men.
Too much for my coworkers.
Too too much.
But I don't know how to flip the off switch.
How does one refrain from being who they are?
And which version of myself should I be?
Which parts of me are tolerable enough to remain?
My loud laugh?
My propensity to tell stories?
My insatiable appetite?
My desire to communicate love?
Somebody please tell me so I can adjust accordingly.
Contrary to popular belief I do actually aim to please.
How very foolish of me.
And then maybe when I become fully the little stepford robot they've created me to be they'll stop trying to drive me away because I'm too extreme and let me stay put for awhile.
Or maybe they'd be bored with me and forget I even exist.
I don't know which is worse.
I think I'd rather be hated than forgotten.
At least I'd make an impression.
At least I could have that.
The words kept echoing in my head for days.
I couldn't believe they had really been spoken.
And by someone I really cared for.
Surely, there had been a mistake.
He must have thought he was talking to a different person.
Another Resa.
Someone who didn't care about anyone but herself.
It's frightening how people can really perceive you.
I not only thought this person liked me, I thought they got me.
You know, one of those people who knows what you're thinking before you say it, who guesses you're still in bed and craving kisses rather than being productive on your day off.
That kind of understanding.
But instead my desire for friendship had created a bad situation.
I was becoming a bad situation in every area of my life.
And here I thought we were supposed to just be ourselves.
Apparently not when yourself is so extreme.
Because I'm too much and need to be toned down.
Take it down a notch, the only acting note I got from my first film class.
I'm too much.
Too much for men.
Too much for my coworkers.
Too too much.
But I don't know how to flip the off switch.
How does one refrain from being who they are?
And which version of myself should I be?
Which parts of me are tolerable enough to remain?
My loud laugh?
My propensity to tell stories?
My insatiable appetite?
My desire to communicate love?
Somebody please tell me so I can adjust accordingly.
Contrary to popular belief I do actually aim to please.
How very foolish of me.
And then maybe when I become fully the little stepford robot they've created me to be they'll stop trying to drive me away because I'm too extreme and let me stay put for awhile.
Or maybe they'd be bored with me and forget I even exist.
I don't know which is worse.
I think I'd rather be hated than forgotten.
At least I'd make an impression.
At least I could have that.
no responsibility
I am a girl
I act hostile
I am selfish and tempramental
I throw things when I'm not in the room
I am untrustworthy
I am unprofessional
I scream at you when my lips are still shut
I am too flirty
I am a persistent vixen
I lure in new prey when I blink
I am a bad situation
I am always on the left or right
I claw at your eyes and spit on your tongue
I am everything you say I am
I am all you believe me to be
I am not real
I am not me
I act hostile
I am selfish and tempramental
I throw things when I'm not in the room
I am untrustworthy
I am unprofessional
I scream at you when my lips are still shut
I am too flirty
I am a persistent vixen
I lure in new prey when I blink
I am a bad situation
I am always on the left or right
I claw at your eyes and spit on your tongue
I am everything you say I am
I am all you believe me to be
I am not real
I am not me
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
My new friend, Tim
I started going to a church I really like.
It has been years since I did that.
And two of my closest friends go to the same church.
I forgot how wonderful that is to fellowship together.
This particular church is really big, a lot like the one I grew up in.
And there are a lot of young people who go there.
There's unlimited free coffee with french vanilla creamer and muffins and orange juice after the service.
It's like the Disneyland of churches.
And even though I've only been going for a month I think it'd be really cool to meet a guy there.
Not like, The One, just a guy, any old guy.
Someone who doesn't run away when he learns how wonderful I am.
You know, someone like that.
So on this particular Sunday me and my friend, Giselle, took our sleepy rears to the 8am service and silently sipped on coffee while trying to wake up.
A few minutes passed and a gentleman came and sat down next to us.
Now, he was no Cary Grant, but he could definitely pass for Cary Grant's cousin.
Twice removed, but whatever.
We exchanged names and pleasantries during the meet and greet and as the service ended he smiled at me and said, It was really nice to meet you, Teresa.
Then he turned to Giselle and said, I'm sorry, what was your name again?
Nothing makes you feel quite so pretty so early in the morning as a man who remembers your name.
Fortunately Giselle was already spoken for so it was no skin off her nose.
We sat together, Giselle and I, munching away on treats and I glanced around the room.
There, talking with two other gentlemen was my new friend, Tim.
He saw me and smiled.
I met a boy, I thought. I met a boy at church.
All things really are possible.
And it's nice sometimes to drag myself out of bed and remember that.
It has been years since I did that.
And two of my closest friends go to the same church.
I forgot how wonderful that is to fellowship together.
This particular church is really big, a lot like the one I grew up in.
And there are a lot of young people who go there.
There's unlimited free coffee with french vanilla creamer and muffins and orange juice after the service.
It's like the Disneyland of churches.
And even though I've only been going for a month I think it'd be really cool to meet a guy there.
Not like, The One, just a guy, any old guy.
Someone who doesn't run away when he learns how wonderful I am.
You know, someone like that.
So on this particular Sunday me and my friend, Giselle, took our sleepy rears to the 8am service and silently sipped on coffee while trying to wake up.
A few minutes passed and a gentleman came and sat down next to us.
Now, he was no Cary Grant, but he could definitely pass for Cary Grant's cousin.
Twice removed, but whatever.
We exchanged names and pleasantries during the meet and greet and as the service ended he smiled at me and said, It was really nice to meet you, Teresa.
Then he turned to Giselle and said, I'm sorry, what was your name again?
Nothing makes you feel quite so pretty so early in the morning as a man who remembers your name.
Fortunately Giselle was already spoken for so it was no skin off her nose.
We sat together, Giselle and I, munching away on treats and I glanced around the room.
There, talking with two other gentlemen was my new friend, Tim.
He saw me and smiled.
I met a boy, I thought. I met a boy at church.
All things really are possible.
And it's nice sometimes to drag myself out of bed and remember that.
...The Spotless Mind...
I had my own Eternal Sunshine moment on Halloween.
Which I've decided is either really freaky or really rad.
I was meeting some friends at a bar I've never been to and I arrived first.
I sat at the bar next to a Storm Trooper and took in the room.
There was a live band playing and the place was pretty packed.
There were a lot of attractive men there.
I mean, a LOT.
Gotta love Halloween.
There were a couple of guys who I was immediately drawn to and to my surprise they were nearly twins.
Tall, lanky bearded guys who smiled a lot.
It seems my ex has cursed me with a type.
Damn PC.
It was nice being out, the energy of new people, the anticipation of what the night might bring.
I felt really beautiful that night and it seemed reflected in each gentlemen's eyes.
When Maggie got to the bar she asked me to go to the powder room with her which was on the opposite side of the bar.
We passed one of the guys I'd been scamming on earlier and I noticed from behind how much hotter he was up close.
Men aren't the only ones who appreciate a nice ass.
The ladies room had a long line so Maggie and I piled into the mens washroom and left the gentleman waiting his turn giggling as we stumbled out together.
Still laughing we passed the same group of people again and the tall drink of water who had grabbed my attention was now sitting at the table facing us.
I glanced his way and continued walking.
Then stopped.
I looked at him again.
No, I thought. It couldn't be. Could it?
Maggie, I think that guy is Richie.
What? she asked. Really?
Yeah. Unless I'm delusional.
I walked over to the stranger and tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned around and a smile lit his face when he saw me.
He gave me a hug and my mind reeled over the fact that I'd been drawn to a guy I'd already dated.
Are we really so predictable and tedious as to repeat our same actions?
Over and over and over again?
Not only was my attraction amusing, the fact I was running into him at all was mildly alarming.
I'd asked a dozen friends last minute what they were up to that evening and the only one going out was my friend, Maggie.
And the place she was headed to happened to be the place Richie was, a guy I hadn't seen in at least a month.
Life does crazy things sometimes.
I ended up meeting another attractive stranger I enjoyed talking to that night.
And I don't know if I'll ever see him again.
That's the tragic beauty of nights, I guess.
I talked to a lot of people I didn't know and was so buzzed and distracted by everything I lacked the social graces to simply say It was nice meeting you and instead would finish a sentence and then abruptly walk away without saying anything. It was like my body physicalized the expression, Ooh look! Something shiny!
I didn't even say goodbye to the new stranger I'd delighted in.
And I liked him.
But I did say goodbye to Richie.
And maybe that moment, that night, was simply existing for that.
Sometimes I think things are far less complicated than we realize.
And the few times we pause and take a second glance are usually the times we finally see what all is there.
And sometimes, what all isn't.
Which I've decided is either really freaky or really rad.
I was meeting some friends at a bar I've never been to and I arrived first.
I sat at the bar next to a Storm Trooper and took in the room.
There was a live band playing and the place was pretty packed.
There were a lot of attractive men there.
I mean, a LOT.
Gotta love Halloween.
There were a couple of guys who I was immediately drawn to and to my surprise they were nearly twins.
Tall, lanky bearded guys who smiled a lot.
It seems my ex has cursed me with a type.
Damn PC.
It was nice being out, the energy of new people, the anticipation of what the night might bring.
I felt really beautiful that night and it seemed reflected in each gentlemen's eyes.
When Maggie got to the bar she asked me to go to the powder room with her which was on the opposite side of the bar.
We passed one of the guys I'd been scamming on earlier and I noticed from behind how much hotter he was up close.
Men aren't the only ones who appreciate a nice ass.
The ladies room had a long line so Maggie and I piled into the mens washroom and left the gentleman waiting his turn giggling as we stumbled out together.
Still laughing we passed the same group of people again and the tall drink of water who had grabbed my attention was now sitting at the table facing us.
I glanced his way and continued walking.
Then stopped.
I looked at him again.
No, I thought. It couldn't be. Could it?
Maggie, I think that guy is Richie.
What? she asked. Really?
Yeah. Unless I'm delusional.
I walked over to the stranger and tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned around and a smile lit his face when he saw me.
He gave me a hug and my mind reeled over the fact that I'd been drawn to a guy I'd already dated.
Are we really so predictable and tedious as to repeat our same actions?
Over and over and over again?
Not only was my attraction amusing, the fact I was running into him at all was mildly alarming.
I'd asked a dozen friends last minute what they were up to that evening and the only one going out was my friend, Maggie.
And the place she was headed to happened to be the place Richie was, a guy I hadn't seen in at least a month.
Life does crazy things sometimes.
I ended up meeting another attractive stranger I enjoyed talking to that night.
And I don't know if I'll ever see him again.
That's the tragic beauty of nights, I guess.
I talked to a lot of people I didn't know and was so buzzed and distracted by everything I lacked the social graces to simply say It was nice meeting you and instead would finish a sentence and then abruptly walk away without saying anything. It was like my body physicalized the expression, Ooh look! Something shiny!
I didn't even say goodbye to the new stranger I'd delighted in.
And I liked him.
But I did say goodbye to Richie.
And maybe that moment, that night, was simply existing for that.
Sometimes I think things are far less complicated than we realize.
And the few times we pause and take a second glance are usually the times we finally see what all is there.
And sometimes, what all isn't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)