Once again, just in case

When I was probably like 8 years old, my folks took me to the state fair. Not oaks park, but the STATE fair, you know that really big fair (so it seems when you're 8) with a million different rides, all of which terrify you as greatly as they excite you. And being the baby in the family I was often encouraged to go on the "cool" rides with my big brother and Father (Mother only ever observed us from afar. She knew where her boundaries stood). So the older boys decided I needed to go on the 'Round Up.' It's that ride where you're standing up holding on to these two bars and there is nothing holding you in but a thin chain hooked across your front. As the ride gets going it starts spinning slowly at first and then faster and faster until the ride tilts and you are spinning on your side being held in by the sheer laws of motion. You can understand why my brother and Father wanted to go. You can also understand why a large part of me wanted to go eat cotton candy next to my Mother. But the boys urged me on and though I think I nearly started crying I didn't want to go so badly, once the ride was over do you know what happened? My brother and my Dad were stumbling dizzily off the ride and I was bouncing up and down screaming, "That was so AWESOME!!! Can we do it again?!?"




And even though everything is so much less complicated when you're a little girl I thought about how we're supposed to have faith like a child and how simple that actually is when we let go and choose to trust. Someone told me recently that I can't always get what I want. And in truth, that baffled me. Why not?!! Why can't I always get what I want? I'm quite charming, extremely persuassive, to quote my blonde inspiration, "sometimes Mr. Esmond finds it very hard to say no to me." And what's wrong with that; in knowing how to play any role in a given situation to your advantage to make the liklihood be getting what you want?



Sometimes what we want isn't the amazing ride at the state fair. Sometimes we're settling for cotton candy on the bench and we don't even realize it which is what makes the ride so stellar when we finally step onto it. Of course, sometimes we may be saavy enough to want the ride as we've had our fill of sugar already. But sometimes we can't persuade others to join us, like my brother and Dad could. Not everyone has the trust of a little girl, you know.



I'm going on a date tonight. It's my first date in awhile and I am reminded greatly as I anticipate the evening ahead how much I don't want to go on dates!!! They can be exhausting! Oh sure, they certainly make for great stories no matter how they go. If they're grand, you can relive every detail in giggles over cocktails. And if they're a nightmare you can relive every detail in giggles over cocktails. Once in college while recapping a date from hell I had a stranger turn around and say, "Did that really happen??! That is AWFUL!" There are awkward dates and scandalous dates and dates you actually walk out on (my personal favorite awful date moment: "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right back" and then I left and never returned his calls. Sometimes a woman can only tolerate so much, especially from a stranger she hasn't yet learned to love).



But I realized as I got ready for the night that lay in store, that Narcissus was a date I didn't want to go on. I was hung up on the kid I'd been dating before him and I went out on the date mostly to try and make the other kid jealous. "He'll make a nice rebound," I remember thinking. And that rebound turned into the longest, most significant relationship I'd ever had. Of course it was also full of the most heartache and manipulation but sometimes a love story has the ending of "Anna Karenina" not "Pride and Prejudice." And that's ok too. Sometimes we have to try on all the ugly things before we find that sparkly perfection that stands out in the wake of such ugliness.



I drank in the tranquility of the duck park yesterday and thought back over the loves I'd mislaid at that pond. One replaced with indifference, one with disdain and the other, simply lost. But always that park remains my favorite spot and whether walking alone or hand in hand I know I will continue to be drawn there, chapter after chapter. That ride is one I never get tired of, the one where my life circles back to that idyllic spot where I love like a child and have hope like a woman.

Choose your choice

The other morning this mother came into Starbucks with her daughter. The young girl must have been about 12 or 13, entering that age where everything your parents say and do is sooooo annoying. There was a long line, it was that busy time of the morning and the girl didn't know what she wanted when they finally got to the register. So as the mother tried to press her to make a decision hurriedly the young girl refused to want anything and whispered venomously, "You're such a GOOD mom." The woman looked at me and I tried to pretend I hadn't heard the daughter but her face just broke my heart. She wasn't mad as you would think most parents would be. She didn't even seem embarassed, she just looked tired. She even got back in line, that long busy morning line with her daughter again a few minutes later so the young girl could order what she had finally decided she wanted. And then as they sat there for awhile I looked up and saw them and realized we'd forgotten one of their drinks. Of all the people in that cafe to forget a drink it had to be that poor woman's drink. The woman again didn't even have the energy to be upset about having to wait so long. She just sat there, tired, exhausted and when I brought a free drink coupon over to her she barely saw me she was so deep in her mind, likely summoning the strength to get through another day.




I thought about that woman a lot that day. About how even though all the circumstances justified her reacting and getting upset, she calmly chose to act with love instead. Love to reject the bait of her smart mouthed unappreciative daughter. Love to wait patiently when she had to wait longer than anyone else for a simple smoothie. Love to ignore the emotions likely bouncing around in her mind and choose to be quiet instead.



Love is a choice. Joy is a choice. If we're gonna let our emotions and our circumstances dictate our day to day lives then we're gonna have a long, miserable life. And I like being happy, thank you. I like choosing to ignore the venom around me.



Someone I see regularly I used to dread seeing. He was such a negative, condescending presence to be around. I would literally heave a heavy sigh when I'd realize my path would cross his. 'Thank you Lord for teaching me patience,' I would pray and begin emotionally preparing myself for the infectious negativity that he'd bring with him. And then, something incredible happened. I was around him and instead of his pretention, he was pleasant. I nearly fell over I was so shocked! And thinking it to be a fluke I was cautious around him the next time I saw him and sure enough, he was pleasant AGAIN! Several days passed and I found him sitting next to me and we were having an enjoyable conversation. And the next time I knew my path was going to cross his I was actually looking FORWARD to seeing him! Being the confrontational woman I am, I asked him why the change. "Were you invaded by aliens or something?" I asked him. "You're nice now. What happened to you?" And he said, "I just decided that wasn't me, I'm not a mean person and I decided to be nice." He decided, he CHOSE to change how he was and that little decision, that little choice was already having an effect on his life, it was affecting the people around him. I liked the bastard, for crying out loud! If that isn't testimony to the power of choice I don't know what is!



If we would step out of what we've settled on, the choices we've convinced ourselves are what we deserve, how things have to be, how they ought to be, they SHOULD be (that damn word 'should' needs to be eradicated from our language) and if instead we got over ourselves, stopped being so selfish and thought about how our choices affected those around us maybe we'd stop being so dissatisfied and unhappy.



We can decide we're gonna put on love. Stop being led by your feelings and listening to your emotions. They are fickle. They are like the inconstant moon. We know what choices make us happy and which ones bring us death instead of life. So why do we keep making wrong choices simply because it seems like what we should be doing? How about you get out of your head and into your spirit and tell your feelings to just simmer down and listen to what's sitting quietly right in your heart. It would be AMAZING the changes that would happen if you started using your will to make right choices. Maybe the people around you would start looking forward to your presence instead of ignoring your phone calls and putting you in the box with all the other cast offs.





As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

Fragmentary Chapters

I read a book today. A friend of mine prompted me to read it and I read it in its entirety in a day. I have another book I've been reading that I'm only half way through and it has been weeks. My desire to read the latter book is not so much smaller from the former, but it was the person behind the book; I wanted to read the book for the person who had suggested it. And that request far outweighed any particular literature preference for such a rainy night.




My Grandma asked what I was reading and I told her it was something my Mom had read too. We both agreed that Mother reads everything. In fact the joke when we were little was to never buy Mom a bookmark because she simpy never used them. My father could sit in front of the tv for just as many countless hours without ever shifting his weight. I'm happy to say I can spend equal hours engrossed in a book as I can in "Sex and the city" reruns. But leave it to me to find more than one box to climb into.



I remember back in college when this friend gave me a book for my birthday. It was the only gift he ever gave me in the decade I've known him. So, unsurprisingly, the book has always held a special place for me. Then there was the time my psuedo gave me his favorite book, The Count of Monte Cristo. And without hesitation, that classic instantly became my favorite as well. Some things are great in and of themselves. And some things are great because of the story behind them and the smiling faces etched in the memories of printed words.



A gal pal I know has a new beau which is most exciting since she seems very happy. As she told me about it, though, it saddened me to hear as she was trying to be almost indifferent about the significance such companionship was bringing into her life. The resigned independence and feigned indiferece she was attempting to embody as the true modern rang hollow as she embarassingly uttered the truth: I am delighting in having another to love and share in my life. And why the shame behind such a confession? A desire for love, to be loved doesn't hinder or lessen the enjoyment of life. But to deny the existence of the desire would be to play a role out of your range. And I think the role of You, the role of Me, is what we're best suited for.



I cut my hair and as simple as it may seem, there is something so empowering about a physical change, albeit 8 inches of hair. (Kind of brings Rapunzel losing her hair a la "Into the Woods" into a whole new light). Years ago when I first thought of coloring my hair, many were adamant about me going any color but blonde. Now there are those in my life who couldn't see me as anything else. Another friend when told of my separation from length whined, "You have your whole life to have short hair! Some of us pay good money for extensions to have hair like yours!" And so it goes with each decision made that stirs such change, this good, that one bad. Go left, never back. Change the tempo, keep it steady.



And amusingly, consuming a book in its entirety so speedily reminds me of how much I truly love to read. It's incredible the things we forget when they're left on the shelf.

Take 3

I love movies, especially the classics where the film was black and white and the men wore hats. I love music and the friends who are real with you. I love those nights it gets warm after it rains and it feels like summer is around the corner. I love how whenever I talk to myself in the third person, I always call myself Reese. I've no idea why but it's the name I use when my self induced reprimand needs to be verbalized, as in, "Way to go, Reese." I love the times something unexpected happens. I love when what I expect also happens.




I even kind of love how people like to think they have you all figured out. They like to tell you what is best for you. They like to tell you what you should do, what you shouldn't do and who you shouldn't do it with (or should, as the case may be). Granted outsiders may know best. A lack of involvement, a possibility of greater foresight, the wisdom to see the clearer path, the safe choice. And that's swell. But someone great once said:



Life is what happens to you when you make other plans.



Oh yeah, I also love quotes.



Last year, after living in Portland my entire life and knowing countless fellow actors who went to the auditions every year, I finally signed up for the first time for the PATAs. (For you non theatre geeks, it's an audition for the majority of the theatre companies in Portland all at once; one audition, a lot of exposure). I don't really know why I never signed up before. Maybe the fact that it costs money and most company auditions are free or the fact that I'd never heard any fantastic stories come from it but whatever the reason, I decided 2009 was different and I signed up for the auditions.

(Fact 1: Going out on a limb and trying something different causes a chain reaction and brings about newness in your life.)



Sometimes after these auditions, you may not hear anything for awhile, maybe you won't hear anything at all. Maybe they'll hold onto your resume and call you in a year, maybe you won't book anything. In my case, I got a call. Some director that was shooting some indie film saw me at the audition and wanted me to come and read for a part. Me?? In a movie?? Psssh! Yeah right! I'm a musical theatre gal. I do Shakespeare and Ibsen, I'm not made for the movies. But of course I was psyched, none the less. I had landed an audition. Right away, my leap of faith was already paying off and if nothing else I was seen and sought and that meant something.



I went to the audition and I left feeling great. Sometimes you know when a director loves you, sometimes you have no idea (damn poker face). In this case, I felt like I was just what he'd been looking for and sure enough, I got the call and I booked the gig. So sweet! Super stoked! We shot on one of those days in August when it was SO HOT and people were so concerned I'd burn sitting in that beautiful, red convertible that in between takes they'd have me get out and stand in the shade. "Do we have an umbrella we can get her? Do you need some water, hon?" And every 15 minutes or so the makeup artist would come over and touch up my skin and lipstick. Aahhhh. I could get used to this.

And after my day of shooting, that was a wrap and that was that. And then, waiting.

Waiting and waiting and WAITING. Wondering if they'll even keep my scene in the final cut. See that's the thing with movies, you never quite know how they'll turn out. My scene would be a minute and a half at the longest, that could easily be cut. You've rented those films with the deleted scenes and discovered that the girl who had a cameo in the one scene or two actually had tons more dialogue that was cut when the movie went to print. So I waited to see if after all that if I would even be in the movie.



And while I was waiting, I thought I'd audition for another movie. I mean, why not, right? I'd never auditioned for films before but being in one prompted me to realize I could so I did and guess what? I landed another role! Another small, supporting part in an indie film and I was thrilled. And to think, if I'd never been in the first one, I'd never even considered auditioning for what turned out to be my second.

(Fact 2: One daring act always leads to even greater ones).



And all of that, all those little moments stacked neatly like dominos are swell in and of themselves. But today when I saw the movie trailer and realized my scene is not only in the movie, it's in the trailer I thought about how much time has passed and how much has happened since my short scene was even shot. And how life sometimes seems kind of like a movie. We're not really sure what might happen and sometimes really unexpected things happen and they open doors for even more unexpected things to happen. And how we have to wait a lot. And wait and wait and wait until we almost forgot that we were even waiting, it has been so long. And how while we wait, we hope for the best and trust in things unseen (maybe we'll never see, if our scene gets cut) but believe that our efforts weren't in vain, regardless of the outcome and how the final scene plays. And how maybe in all that time, in all that waiting, other doors continue to open. Our act of newness started a wave that will continue to drop things right at our feet and we won't even be the ones going anywhere.



And it made me smile. And reminded me how much I love the movies, especially the ones with the surprise twists at the end, you know where the audience has it all figured out and then the unexpected happens and everyone's thrown for a loop? Maybe my next film will be like that. Or maybe it already is. Guess we'll just have to wait and see, right? Wait and see how the final cut plays out. And if I had my way, Jimmy Stewart would make a cameo. There's just something about a man in a suit and a tie, it gets me every time. But that's just me. And I'm not the Director, after all. I'm just the star.

Conviction

I am what you might call an opinionated person. I am also someone who wants to help the people that I love. And sometimes, being the ever confident, nothing can hold me back from telling you how it is gal I am, I find that people don't always see things the way that I do. (Gasp!) And why it's so much easier to see what other people need to do in their own problems than my own is beyond me. You'd think that great insight could easily be self reflective and I could use that wise discernment to clue in to my own shortcomings and false steps, but alas, we can't really see clearly the things we are so involved in: openmindedness is nearly impossible when you have rose colored glasses on (sparkly pink Chanel ones, at that).




I inferred about a dear friend of mine that they needed to learn to set boundaries in their life. It's something that I think the majority of people could stand to do more; learning to say this is what I need, this is what I am comfortable with and commiting to it and communicating it openly and honestly with the people who are affected by the boundary. And when you're trying to encourage someone to step out of themselves and learn to do this it is not short of comical when you realize that they are indeed finally setting a boundary, only the person this boundary is affecting is YOU.



And I thought, now wait a minute, boundaries are great for everyone else but now this is going to affect me??! And suddenly a selfless act of character development has shed light on the fact that what is good for them, might not be so good for me.



And I have to confess, I felt a little miffed about the new boundary. I mean, I was the encourager of the boundaries. I was the one who suggested reading the book, for crying out loud! And now, that it's all finally starting to sink in for them and be applied, I had the immaturity to be bothered by it??



You've got to be kidding me.



Thankfully (To Thine be the glory) it didn't take me long to realize I needed to place my focus elsewhere. And that maybe it's time I stop focusing on what someone is not doing for me and start focusing on all God is doing for me. And I thought how when I needed comfort, my first instinct wasn't to seek The Comforter. And maybe there are reasons we don't always get what we want right when we want it. Maybe God's tired of sharing our heart with someone else and that's why they have to go away for a little while, so we can remember who our true Comforter is.



Another dear friend of mine, someone who shares my overly opinionated, nothing's gonna stop me now attitude has been going through trials of separation and loss. She found herself in a situation where she needed to set new boundaries because her needs were not being met in the situation she was in. And she told me today (a day of great revelation, it seems) that now would be the time for a possible conclusion of her relationship because being alone, being on her own has given her the strength and the resolve to make the important decision, if neccessary. Isn't that telling? Now would be the time because she had already committed to the boundary to separate herself from the situation, had then grown accustomed to being without the comfort of this person and was then strong enough to make a tough choice if that was the choice that needed to be made.



Introverts don't understand this dilemma at all, but for those extraverts like myself, why are we always fighting our time alone?? Another friend of mine just the other night was heading out to drinks with a friend after work, something she probably does on an almost nightly basis and then suddenly stopped and said, "Maybe i will just stay in for the night. It would be nice to just sort of relax and be mellow. But I don't know." Why do we possess this constant need to always be distracted and bombarded with the loudness of all the people in our lives? Is the calming silence we can only hear when we're alone really as bad as we think? I know anyone who has Heard in those quiet hours would confess that it is always the best time spent. Sometimes it just takes a reminder to find it again. And I think somehow that those who mirror us boisterous Clementines must also admit that the times they step out of their quiet solitude and into the loudness are also some of their best times spent. We just have to continue to remind each other every once in awhile. And I guess that's why we do still need each other, even in our solitude.

How quickly they forget

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a ballerina, more specifically, I wanted to dance on Broadway. As I got older and discovered my talent lie more in music, I decided I wanted to sing on Broadway. Two of my close friends who talked about moving to New York with me a decade ago now live there. And for whatever reason, I never made it there. Days ago I saw someone's facebook status read something like, "Off to a film audition then a photo shoot then rehearsal, just how I like it." And my first thought was, 'that sounds exhausting.' Maybe I was just tired that day or maybe I'm turning into a bit of an old lady who works too early in latte land or maybe, just maybe, what I was so convinced I'd always wanted is no longer something I desire. And that's ok. There's something refreshing about change, especially when its' embrace has caught you unawares.






Some changes, like my declining childhood dream for stardom are so gradual they are barely noticeable. Others, despite all the efforts to encourage them, won't happen until something dramatic forces them. And where some of these gradual or abrupt changes are accepted by those affected, there are sadly those who are so unable to move with you in your change that they write you off entirely (or in my case, only write when sending formal, obligatory invites and matters of business, correspondence no longer ending with the standard "I love you and am praying for you"). Thus with change comes the quiescent complicance that casualties are inevitable. When you take a stand against enduring that which hinders your ability to maintain some semblance of sanity, there are those (too busy playing in the fun house) who can't see the clarity you've found, nor are they even capable of accepting it (for 'twould shatter the mirrors in their molding house, and who wants to step on broken glass?)





Thankfully, there are those rare individuals who embrace change with a similar zeal and so not only accept but encourage and even reach out their hand when something unexpectedly trips you up. And I am discovering that it is the love that is willing to change that is the love that will remain ready available. And how lovely that where we miss one, another pauses, long enough to make the loss bearable, and somehow, enjoyable.

It's about time...

Time is......nebulous.




Have you ever noticed how two people can be looking at the same thing and see it entirely differently? It's one thing, it only has so much room for interpretation and yet they can only agree on each others misinterpretation. And try as they may, the onlookers don't even see the thing in the first place.



I have always known what I want (for that particular moment, anyway.) And I've always known who I am, what I'm about. In fourth grade I walked up to a boy and said, "I like you. Do you like me or should I start liking someone else?" Pretty simple question, really. Yes. Or no. Guess I was never one to beat around the bush. And this certainty makes it harder to understand others hesitancy. Mother always said, "When in doubt, don't." (Of course, she was talking about clothes shopping but I think it applies to everything.) And if you doubt, then you put it back on the rack and move on to something else. But if a part of you is attached, then you keep it awhile and see if buyers remorse ever even enters the picture. (The point was to leave with something you really loved, not something you were settling for just because it was on the sale rack).



And maybe Mother's great shopping pearls of wisdom can be true of relationships greater than the ones we have with designer dresses (though for me, that love affair is incomparable). Maybe the people that we love are also worth holding onto, if the doubts don't outweigh the desire. But I suppose one of the greatest leaps of faith is trusting people you love in spite of their swirling vortexes of misgivings. (Yes, the labyrinth of plaguing apprehension is so great it calls for "swirling vortexes").

Jesus said, Trust Me, I know what I'm doing. And I do trust Him, even when the people I love aren't sure of what they're doing. Maybe that's all God wanted to test: Can we still love when all hope has seemed to vanish? And I do. Strangely enough, I do. A friend I have not seen in three years returns in several months and my love for him fills my heart with hope that we may be able to pick up our relationship from where we last left it, in spite of years of lost contact that would imply this will never be. Some people remain elusive and never stay in one spot long enough for you to love them and so you love them from a distance. But when they stay long enough to see that you loved in spite of them, well, then that's a thing that has no room for interpretation; simply bliss.



Sometimes things really are black and white. There are certainly grey areas, I suppose, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a cover to try and soften the blow of the black that's really there. Sometimes there aren't clear answers. Sometimes they are more complicated than the simple yes and no of fourth grade. But if you do ask and they say nothing, well, then it may be time to start liking something else.

After my first love, my first heartache, my Mom tried to reassure me that "this too shall pass." And years later, when I was recovering from a different heartache, she brought up that past one and tried to reassure me with, "remember, you thought you'd never get over that and now here you are?" Maybe we go through great loss to teach ourselves how to move on. We always think "this one's different" but it's really not, it's just another let down. And it's not the last. And in some backwards way, I find comfort in that.