I figured out what it is that I hate about dating websites.
Can I just be a shallow bitch?
They are way too much damn work.
I don't have time for these getting to know you "icebreakers" and answering some strangers asinine questions about my favorite literature. Give me a break. I could engage in messages with some schmuck for weeks and then finally meet him to realize he's not as attractive as those photos he posted that were taken eight years ago or that he has absolutely no social skills and can barely converse through an appetizer.
Dating websites should be set up to appeal to the average, lazy, instant gratification seeking person.
Hey, nice pics. You're kinda hot.
Thanks. You're pretty dreamy yourself.
So you into the same kinda crap I am?
I guess. But they say opposites attract right?
Right. So you wanna meet for a drink?
Sure. Tomorrow?
Tomorrow. Till then.
Now that's the kind of interaction that doesn't waste my valuable time.
Speaking of wasting my time, let's talk about eharmony for a moment.
The other night I saw a commercial about eharmony and how for This Weekend Only!! you could try it out for free. Why not? I thought. If nothing else it would be sheer entertainment and make for some great fodder for blogs. In fact I kinda hoped the guys who'd contact me would be gross because ugly guys make for much funnier stories than dreamy ones.
Speaking of dreamy-- what the hell ever happened to Mr. Wonderful? That 35 year old, company owning, marathon running, charming sex god needs to come shop at my Nordstrom STAT. I have a thing for men who smile at me like I'm irresistible.
Anyway.
Back to suckharmony.
The application process for this dating website is SO. FUCKING. LOOOOONG.
Does some cyber stranger REALLY need to know on a scale of one to ten how confident I think I am?
(That would be an 11, by the bye).
But I followed the inane questions one by one in hopes that the entertainment to follow, good or bad, would be well worth it. The last portion of the application process is to upload photos which of course, was my favorite part because this girl has always loved having her picture taken.
I clicked what seemed to be the final step of this now nearly thirty minutes of my life process only to land on a subscription page.
It seems the This Weekend Only!! trying it all for "free" bullshit doesn't include photos.
You read that right.
I don't get to see any of these idiots pictures nor will they see mine.
Whose going to contact me if my profile has no pictures on it?!
What the hell??
Thanks eharmony for wasting my precious down time!
And don't think you suckered me in to wanting to pay FORTY FIVE DOLLARS A MONTH to get oggled by a bunch of cyber nerds who are so socially awkward and emotionally stinted that they need to hide behind their computer to find a date.
"Meet David someone as unique as you are."
Good god no. I'm gonna lose my cinnamon sugar toast.
"Meet Sanjay. And Samson. And Troy."
These are not real people. Nobody is named Samson.
"Brook requests further communication."
Well Brook can kiss my luscious ass. I'm not dating a man named Brook. That's just absurd.
Look, I'm not on some Dating in the Dark TV show that ABC is paying me bookoo bucks to be on. So what kinds of connections can I make without pictures? Guys who wanna talk about their feelings and learn about my personality? Oh my GOD. I don't have time for this crap. I need to see your face to see if it's one I'd ever want to make out with. Looks matter people! Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Like a dating site membership. Just as an example.
If I don't think you're man pretty I'm not gonna want your face touching mine. And if I don't want your face touching mine what kinda boyfriend is that? A craptastic one, that's what. And I'll have none of it.
I want my minutes back, free eharmony trial.
You're a big fat liar and your vapid questions suck!
Yeah! I said it! What?!
I knew there was a reason I avoided the psychosis that is online dating.
Son of a bitch.
.
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