I think I stopped for a few reasons.
But I think the main one was that the part of the story I'd gotten to was one of the most painful.
Skip ahead, one of my girlfriends had suggested.
But I could never do that.
The story reflects all that truly transpired.
I might jump from here to there in sequence to help the chapters flow but nothing significant is left out.
That's just the kind of writer I am.
As I sat here, finally recounting what happened a little over a year ago, I went through old emails looking for accurate quotes and stumbled across a couple things that made my head shake with knowing sadness.
One was that just weeks before he broke up with me, Mr. Volcano sent me this email:
Hi love,
I love you very much. Right now, we are experiencing an arduous time in which our individual needs are quite opposite. This does not change how I feel, it just means that we both need to bend a little. Lately I am trying to, and you are now by giving me a few days to recuperate. I do not know if there is a direct solution to this, but there is a hope we can share because this situation is temporary, and what we have is so good that it is by far worth a bit of endurance. We just need to trust each other. We are not on the verge of a breakup, and I hope this helps you know that. Sorry to be short, it is simply because I need to catch up with myself and rest, pray. Thanks for your understanding.
It was like finding something straight out of a Jane Austen novel or some tragic movie.
And leave it to me to find something so heartbreaking so divinely beautiful.
I also found my last message to him, one, of course, he never responded to.
And remembering the end and the middle of something that once took up all my thoughts, was so freely liberating to realize I not only survived all that, I am so much more, more than even I realized.
And certainly, more than he ever did.
Let's make a deal-if you have something to say to me please pay me the courtesy of the truth and say it to ME. Write me a scathing email, bitch at me all you like, but please stop slandering me to your friends. If I hear one more....”Did you hear what Mr. Volcano told-so and so- about you?” I'm gonna kill a puppy.
I KNOW YOU. I KNOW WHAT A ROCKSTAR GEM OF A MAN YOU ARE. So hearing from others about how much you despise me and are warning others to steer clear of me? Not buying it. And not believing for a second that wonderful man that you are would ever be so common place as to engage in slanderous gossip. Rubbish. Mr. Volcano is different. And that's why he's so damn amazing.
Besides, your fear of me pining for you and waiting for the day you'd return from the mountain to rush to my side and declare your undying love for me has been upstaged by me falling for someone else. My stupidity marked your freedom. Resa ain't holdin' on to no Volcano dream anymore. So THAT should ease your mind and soul with great relief. Your prayers have been answered, darling.
That's the end of my rant.
I HAVE heard nasty things through the rumor mill and I'm not gonna lie. IT HURT. Especially coming from you, Mr. Volcano.
I'M AN AMAZING PERSON.
And you're not such an idiot that you don't know that by heart.
Who else do you know that would continue to send love toward you after you've done everything you can think of to cause her pain?
Not many, that's for damn sure.
And then I realized I don't need to hear anything from you or the rumor mills.
I BELIEVE IN THE AMAZING MAN YOU ARE.
And the amazing woman I am.
And I don't EVER need to hear from you again to believe THAT truth.
Please don't write me back.
Just promise if we ever do talk again you will be honest and loving and different.
I'd rather wait 10 years to talk to him.
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