What's in a Number

Today I went to the doctor for my dreaded annual exam. 
(Or as I like to call it the scary lady parts exam).
It was your typical visit, fine and yet still always awkward, and before the doctor came in the nurse had me step on the scale to take my weight.
Like any true lady I held my head high and did not look down to read what the scale read.
(A lady never reveals her age or her weight, thank you).

Then after the nurse left I realized I was actually curious about my weight.  I'm familiar enough with my body to know when I've fluctuated up or down.  We all have that sort of standard weight we weigh when we're in an average, every day state in our lives, physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
So I stepped on the scale and looked down to read the results.

I weigh 185 pounds.

This is the amazing and shocking truth: When I saw the number I didn't have the kind of reaction I think most women would have.  I was calm, kind of shrugged my shoulders and sighed, huh. 
And then I kind of smiled when I realized something I didn't know about myself.

I'm so comfortable in my body, numbers don't rattle me.
I'm so comfortable I have no qualms about publishing my weight on the world wide web.

Because I have never felt more confident, more beautiful or more sexy in my entire life.

I have also never weighed so much in my entire life.

It kind of makes me giggle actually.
The absurdity of it all.

In high school I pretty consistently weighed 160 pounds and I was a size 12. 
I am currently now, at 185 pounds also a size 12. 

The mind reels.

There are two schools of thought for that:
One, companies have changed sizing in the past decade and what is a size 10 today was likely a 12 ten years ago.  (I thought I read or heard a rumor to this effect).
Two, in my early twenties I got on a super healthy kick and gained muscle that I lacked in high school and since muscle weighs more than fat I'm a fitter, heavier 12 than I was in high school.

Whatever the case, it seemed poetic somehow that an insecure, uncertain 18 year old Resa would fit the same pair of jeans the self assured, confident 29 year old Resa wears today.

(I just revealed both my age and weight in the same blog.  And yet I still hold fast to being a true lady).

I live in a day and age when weighing 185 pounds is SHOCKING!!  It's OBESE!!  It's EMBARASSING!!  It's UNDESIRABLE!!

And yet I am content.

I joined the most incredible dance and fitness studio and I'm exercising every day because I love it, not because I want to change my body because I don't think it's good enough.  My body's going to change on it's own.  All this fitness every day is burning way more calories than I ever did all those years and it's also inadvertently changed my appetite.  When you're doing so much cardio every day your body craves foods and nutrients that it needs.  Suddenly Burgerville doesn't sound as good anymore and I realize what I really want is some yogurt with Grapenuts.  (Which is heaven, by the bye, you simply must try it!)

But I just had to laugh at "my number."  In Bridget Jones Diary we're supposed to believe she's a heffer at something like 137 pounds, I think it is?  HA!  At 140 pounds I was a svelt size 6, the healthiest I've ever been in my life. 

My point? 
Numbers are irrelevent.
There are a lot of things that are insignificant.

And the sooner we all embrace that while embracing the beautiful women we are in the gorgeous bodies we are in today, the sooner we will all be free to smile and laugh and feel content no matter how the scales may read.