Crumbles

I told this kid once that I was a tough cookie.
And he laughed.
I haven't seen it, he said, mocking me.
And I felt like I was being challenged.
And I almost didn't believe him because I've been told that a lot; that I'm strong, that I'm a tough cookie, that I can handle a lot.

But I guess people that weren't there to see me handle all that other stuff don't know the difference.

It was interesting because it totally made me feel like I needed to prove myself.
Which is funny because I think most of the time when people question me I just think, whatever, believe what you want to believe.

In a lot of my relationships I'm the one that's strong.
I'm the one that's ok, that's happy, that's believing the best and encouraging the people around me.
And that's my role and I love it.

I mean I've never been one of those people that's battled depression or anxiety and felt bombarded by life.
I might have a bad day here and there but overall I'm a pretty happy person.
But lately some things have happened that have kind of knocked me down and I am having a hard time staying strong.
I am having a hard time believing the best and being ok and being happy.

And it's peculiar because I feel like so many people in my life are so often that way and they come to me when they need to remember the truth of all that's within them and the good things in their life and then when I'm the one falling to pieces people look at me like I'm crazy and like, what's wrong with you?

And it's a pretty disconcerting feeling.
It makes me feel really alone.
And I hate being alone.
And all I want is to have someone to talk to and have someone keep me company so that I don't have to feel so crazy.



I went to church late and I was late to the noon service.
How much of a slacker can I be.
And maybe it's stupid but I felt guilty about being so late.
As I began to sit down I realized there was this kid behind me who was also late and also looking for a seat so I moved down one and he sat next to me.
He looked young and I mean, I know I look young and people always think I'm younger than I am but I would have guessed that he was in his early twenties.

I've been feeling weighed down by things and the service was really moving.
At the end of the sermon we broke up into small groups to pray and we were to pray for an enemy of ours, for somebody who had done us wrong.
And I didn't know what to say and I didn't really feel like I had the strength to lead or to even speak.
There was this adult couple with us and this kid.
And it was this kid, this guy next to me that led prayer.
When we were finished and they were playing worship songs I felt so moved by everything, I started crying. I felt like I had turned into my mom.
I was crying during a song in church.
I cried these big fat tears and my mascara and my eyeliner were running down my face.
It got so bad I couldn't see and I had to leave.
That kid sitting next to me was on the end and he stepped out of the way so I could exit and as I walked past him he lightly, lovingly patted me on the shoulder, as if to say, it's ok.

And I thought how desperately I wanted to have a man like that in my life, someone who could lead when I didn't feel strong enough to speak and someone who would reassure me when I felt overwhelmed about things being ok.
And he just seemed like this really young kid, you know?
But he was so strong.
And that was so nice.
It was so nice being around somebody that was strong.
For once.
And to feel like it was ok that I wasn't, in that moment.
That it was ok that I was sad.



I think I kind of fell in love with that kid.