I'm leaving a star

I used to work with this theatre director who would never consider me for any role other than chorus.
No matter how much I sang my heart out in my auditions he would still only ever cast me as little Susie Q, chorus girl number three.
It was maddening to say the least.
Because it's not like I didn't have the vocal chops to outsing any of the other leading ladies.
He just never let me read for those parts.
He never saw me as his leading lady.
He saw me as his reliable chorus girl, shining brightly in the background.

It took me a long time to realize that I didn't need to try and win over that director.
I needed to find a new director.
Because I did work with some directors who only saw me as their leading ladies, directors who precast me in leading roles before they even held their general auditions.
Because they simply wanted me that badly.

But I can't expect every director to see all that is within me.
I can't expect most people to either.

I worked my curvacious behind off today.
I felt like I was channeling my old school barista self who only cared about brightening each customers day.
I even managed to soothe a disgruntled customer who nearly walked out of the store.
But she let me do her makeup and before she left she gave me a hug.
That's pretty incredible to see somebody's intense rage and loving gratitude all within the same hour.

But with each pair of appreciative eyes there are always more staring me down with scowls on their faces.
And their accusations accosted my ears and I countered their words with sincere truth.
And they looked back at me with cold, blank stares.
And I felt my shoulders grow heavy with that familiar weight of disdain and I could no longer stand up straight.

My seventh grade math teacher told me once I was bad news.
I don't remember what I must have done to set her off but I do remember getting after school detention and some guy asking me, "What are YOU doing here?"
Goody goodies didn't usually frequent detention.
"I don't know," I had answered. "My teacher thinks I'm a bad egg."

And that was that.
From then on out, that teacher believed she had me all figured out and she never saw me as anything but a poor, unruly student.
I was merely a chorus girl to her, fading in the background, being shoved to the last back row of chairs.

But thankfully, I had lots of other teachers.
Teachers who nurtured me and valued me and saw all the potential stirring inside me.
And they lifted me up and they allowed me to soar.
They appreciated my sass and my opinions and my propensity for always going left or right.
I left an impression.
And that was actually a good thing.

And I remembered tonight how important it was to not drink from the well.
And I marvelled over the truth that maybe my casting director was elsewhere.

Maybe my time as a chorus girl was merely preparation.
Maybe I had other stages to conqueor.
And maybe I'd actually be satisfied when my current role was recast.