Tomorrowland

My ex said goodbye to me again.
I can't even tell you how many times he's said goodbye because it's kind of ridiculous.
I don't even like calling him my ex because it was so much more than that.
It was a relationship that wasn't like anything I've had before so it seems weird to just put an X on it,
like it's the same as everything else in my past.

He said that I was good, that I didn't need him anymore.
And it's funny because depending on who you are, depending on who might say that, you might think that it was mean.
But it was the opposite.
It was incredibly loving and what I needed.

Sometimes I don't know what I need.

But even though I knew that it was a good thing it's still hard.
Because I don't know that I'm ready to not need him anymore.
Then who would I need?
Or would I need anybody?
And is that ok?
Is that a bad thing?

It's an overwhelming thing.

I love change.
I love things that are new and different, meeting new people trying new things.
But I also always wanna have some people, some things that I can count on, that I can rely on.
Like, them being there and how they'll feel about me.
People are so fickle and they're always changing their minds.
They're always running with what their emotions tell them to do.
And it's sometimes hard to count on much of anything.

The reason ending relationships is hard is because that person saw something in us that we wanted to believe.
Or that we needed to believe.
And letting go of that person is like letting go of that idea, that that person no longer believes what they once did.
And so we fear that it must not be true.
Because if they no longer believe it then maybe it was never real in the first place.
And we mourn the loss of the person but we also mourn the loss of the idea.
We fear letting go of that person, even if it's somebody we already lost, because it's like admitting that they were right and that it's not true.
It's not real.

So we revel in our mourning.
We delight in our sadness because while we're thinking about them it still exists.
The idea can still be real in our memories.

But what we don't realize is that we have to let go of them.
We have to let go of their perceptions of us, their ideas because there are so many people waiting to share what they see and what they believe.
And we can't embrace these new ideas until we really let go of the past and say goodbye.
And admit that we don't need them anymore and that that's ok.

And the hope is that sometime we'll realize that it doesn't matter what other people see or believe because we'll know.
We'll know the truth.
And we'll finally believe it and see all that is within us and that'll be enough.

And everything else and everyone else can be these wonderful little extras, these surprising delights, that make our smiles that already exist on our faces even brighter.
Because they see what we see.
And those moments are what it's all about.
They are why we sparkle the world.