Cry babies

Have you ever had something happen, something trying, something that made you want to throw up your hands and stomp your feet in a tantrum like a little girl, but you were determined not to cry?

I have. 
I was determined to be a big girl today.
Cry babies are not sexy.
And this vixen is most definitely sexy.

I didn't think I wasn't allowing myself to feel all I was. 
I just wanted to handle it all in a mature manner. 
There's no reason to cry over something you know is for the best.
But when what happens takes a tiny piece of you with it, how can you not cry over the hole that's been cut in you?

But I didn't cry. 
I held my chin high. 
And was thankful for the moments that put a smile on my lips.
And I came home and took a nap. 
(Sleep always makes the hurt seem less so).
And I put on a new, shiny blue dress with my favorite ivory cardigan with pearls.  And I pinned my hair back.  And I did my makeup flawlessly.  Fake lashes and everything, which I never do! 

I was going to meet my new gay boyfriend for cocktails but the bitch flaked out on me. 
Again, I was determined to not let anything deter me from being the mature lady I am and decided if I didn't have a date that didn't mean I couldn't still take myself out.

So I headed downtown and managed to find a parking spot in the Pearl, no small feat, let me tell you.  And right in front of my car was a little chocolate cafe I'd never seen before.  Providence!  I stepped inside and seemed to be transported to some European cafe.  Look at you!  the girl at the counter gushed.  What are you doing tonight?  You look great!  I smiled and told her I was taking myself to the movies.  Jane Eyre is supposed to be amazing, I said.  It's about these two people who share this rare connection and fall in love but can't be together.  She handed me my decadent drinking chocolate and tiny truffle.  You'll have to come back and tell me if it's good, she smiled. 

I left the cafe, my cheeks kissed by the wind and sipped the rich chocolate.  It was so dense I could have eaten it with a spoon.  I headed to the record store to look for some of the artists I've recently fallen in love with.  It's wonderful to listen to a cd before you buy it, isn't it?  The gentlemen at the record store were very friendly.  I can always tell when a man finds me beautiful.  They go out of their way to find extra things to tell me.  And their eyes linger when they look into mine.  It's nice being around new people and new energy.  Especially when they see how beautiful you are.

Back into the arms of the wind I headed down towards the book store.  You look nice, a man who had made me slightly nervous said.  Thank you, I smiled back and realized he wasn't a threat.  Into the book store I delighted over all the colors to choose from.  I found a card that made me laugh, She requires a steady diet of Faith and Fancy with a little mischief here and there for good measure.  I picked it up and continued sipping my drinking chocolate and looking over all the tiny trinkets and treasures lining the shelves.  I added a novel and a necklace to my pile and eventually worked my way toward the register.  I continued looking through books on my way out and looked down at my little cup.  There was a crack along the rim of the lid.  And suddenly I saw it.  Somewhere along the colors of the rooms I had managed to spill the rich, decadent drinking chocolate all along the front of my dress.  It was on the silk colar of my dress, along the pearls and front of my sweater and even splotched along the skirt lined with lace.  Like a little girl decked out in her frilly birthday frock and left alone with her chocolate cake, I. Was. A. Mess.

I'm not going to cry, I mumbled to myself.  It's fine.  I don't care.

I headed back into the wind, now pushing my face aside instead of caressing it, and headed back to my car.  I got in and shut the door.  And in spite of all the indifference I tried to muster up I felt the tears worming their way up my throat.  I can't cry it will ruin my makeup! I said out loud.  I laughed at my own absurdity.  And the laughter broke open the reservoir in my throat.  And the tears streamed down my cheeks.

I'd tried so hard.
I'd done so well all day.
And then like a little girl, I was crying because my new dress was ruined.
At least, that's why I seemed to be crying.

I knew it was just an outfit.
I knew I could get a new one.

And I knew that there were plenty of others out there.
But I really loved this one.
And I was wearing it for the first time.

It just felt really unfair.

It's hard to find something that fits so perfectly, you know?

So I gave in and let the cry happen.
And I accepted all that might very well be ruined, all that would never share such evenings with me again.

And I saw an airplane fly over head. 
And remembered there was so much I didn't see and didn't know.

And decided I'd just go out and find myself an even prettier dress and more lovely cardigan.
But I'd still miss my old one.

Some things just are.
No matter how much you try to not be a cry baby.