my ocean

I love the beach.  I don't know if it's because I grew up with the ocean in my backyard or what exactly it is but I love the coast.

Whenever I'm feeling lost breathing in that salt air always makes me feel balanced.  I don't think many people would drive an hour and a half to stand in mud, rain blowing in their face, just to see the ocean.  But I did.  And it was all I needed to feel so much better.

I stood there, getting soaked, sharing the entire beach with only four other people, each scattered at opposite ends of the sand and I started laughing.  It felt like a scene out of a movie, My Own Life Story.  The sparkly girl in her fancy dresses, who buys her own diamonds and leaves a trail of men in her past is in fact happiest, her most content, standing in the rain in front of the ocean. 

It reminded me of going to the hockey game weeks ago.  When our goalie carelessly let the puck glide past him and score a goal I instinctively screamed at the back of his jersey.  I will never forget the look of surprise that crossed my guy friends face.  Oh yeah, I do that, I'd casually remarked.

Most people probably don't know how much I like hockey let alone how comfortable I am screaming at the players.  But most people don't know a lot about me.  I'm good at driving people away.

Sometimes no one else knows what's best for you because people rarely know all of you.  They pick and choose the parts they like, the parts they accept, the pieces of you that fit with the pieces of them.  But rarely does anyone ever see all that others can't. 

I was the only person who knew what I needed was a long drive, an escape out of town, to see what will always be there, what always reminds me I'm ok. 
I will never love a place as I love the coast.
I will never feel so fully myself as when I'm facing that water, sand beneath my feet.
I will only be able to hold onto the hand of someone who would stand in the rain and the mud with me.
And know who I am is right.
And who they are with me sets them free.