I'm re reading Jane Eyre. I read it a lifetime ago when I was surely still a girl. The story starts with Jane as a child, bullied and unloved, despised as a sort of Cinderella enduring the hatred until it nearly destroys her. Then comes a day when something within her stirs even in spite of herself and she is compelled to stand up to her benefactress. And the venom which she fires at the missus is so harsh it shakes even the vile woman that she is. Learning this effect Jane has, learning the power her words carry, her strength to defeat the most giant of adversaries strengthens her. She is described as grinning for quite some time.
I couldn't help but think of my most recent interchange with my own sort of "benefactress." I have a new foe. Though like the minority who gain my utmost respect she is not of the sort to be straightforward about her dislike of me. Those who are consistently cruel because of their hate for you are at least honest about their stupidity. But those that feign friendliness and pass off their jealousy and competitiveness as anything but apathy earn my abhorrence.
Be real. Be genuine. Be what you are. Even if what you are is a conniving, insecure bitch. Then at least we can all know what we're dealing with.
But this one is the more elusive, Are you ok? Do you need to talk about it? one day. And then snarling orders and accusations the next.
I tire of your multiple personalities. You didn't raise me nor make love to me nor earn my admiration for being someone of great station, importance, or merit, and there is no rational reason for me to tolerate such insanity, so forgive my bluntness but who the hell do you think you are?
I, being the savvy intellectual I am, sensed the tension mounting and called it to the attention of an outsider, someone I believed more fit for the situation. That seemed the mature, pragmatic way to handle things but then again when the hell are things ever as they seem?
What then ensued was an absurdly formal meeting between myself and THREE other parties. Lord have mercy, I can only imagine what would have transpired should an actual 'incident' had occurred. The girl when attempting to speak directly to me could not control her facial ticks and distortions from broadcasting her vehement loathing of me even with two others present! It took everything in me not to laugh in her face, Ladies and gentlemen! If she's this off putting when you're around imagine my enjoyment when there are no witnesses to her unbiased diatribes! One mediator actually had to interrupt her and interject a scolding, "tone" because she was unable to direct a sentence towards me calmly.
Oh. My. GOD.
Are we thirteen and three quarters?
Don't like me. I don't care! Be jealous and threatened because of your deep rooted insecurities. Be my guest. But for the love of lipstick pull yourself together when trying to settle a dispute in front of those old enough to be your Mama.
It made me feel like I should have kept my damn mouth closed and gone about my business with the agreeable, Yes m'aam. No m'aam. Whatever you say, m'aam. That's the non confrontational way of dealing with opposition. Just ignore and appease. Pacify and placate.
But I am many things not the least of which is silent.
And I thought about Jane. And how sometimes the only way to deal with a bitch is to let your own bitch bitch back. Those who need to exert their authority back down when they know you'll stand your ground.
And this bitch is a fighter and will never tolerate injustice with sealed lips.
That's why you either love me or hate me.
And if you hate me?
Then for the love of liquor be brave enough to be honest about it.
Then I can respect you while I giggle over your hatred towards me.
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