another blank page

It's amazing to me how something I can't even see possesses the power to drain all energy from my body.
I can't even eat.
And I never lose my appetite.
Ever.
I didn't eat anything for two days and then when I tried swallowing some vegetable broth it felt like lead was being dropped into my stomach.

I must be really sick.

And of course being sad and sick is just this side of being dead.
I have hope I will get well and my heart will heal as it has so many times before.

But for now, in this moment, I am so very wretched.
I'd sleep for days if my body allowed it.
Just to avoid being present for this chapter.

I can't seem to do anything mildly.
I'm either fine or I'm bombarded with illness.
Men either crave me in their beds or they ignore me entirely.
There is no half way, no compromise, no middle ground.
I am one wave of extreme.
And I'd give anything to feel something other than what I feel now.

Is there power purely in wishing?
Because right now, I wish so badly for the moon.