come what may

When I'm not upset, I often struggle with what to write about.
I just have so much to say when I'm hurt.
But when I've healed it's all rainbows and unicorns.
Life is beautiful. Love. Embrace what comes your way.

B-O-R-I-N-G.
What am I, a Hallmark card?
Surely I have more to say than all that.

I sent Mr. Volcano a Christmas card.
Yes.
I am one strange little girl.
"I don't think I would ever send a Christmas card to an ex boyfriend, Resa. We are so different."

I guess when some conversations never get to be had Christmas feels like the time to send a little love.
And why not?
When someone's not in your life what more harm can one card bring?

But because life is so very curious the card was sent back to me.
It seems the time for forwarding his mail to his new address had expired so they placed the sticker with his forwarding address on it but sent it all the way back to me.
Surely it cost them more to mail it back the thousands of miles rather than forward it in the same town.
But life does not follow the laws of reason.

So I mused for a week over whether or not to resend the card.
Was I to interpret the cards return to me as a sign I shouldn't have sent it in the first place?
The card also came to me on my 30th birthday.
Timing, you perverse bitch, what makes you do the things you do?

And then one morning I woke up.
And I don't know what changed, but I had.
And without a word I grabbed another envelope and carefully penned the new address and marched across the street and dropped it in the mailbox.
I got that card for him.
Of course I should send it.

And because Timing is having her dirty fun with me she also delayed sending me the book I ordered for DB by an excessive amount of weeks.
So I was faced with another dilemma; whether or not to still mail it to him anyway.
In case you're just tuning in, DB would be the "Gentleman" who after months of close companionship decided he wanted nothing more to do with me days before my birthday.
Nothing says Happy Birthday like your crush telling you to Fuck Off.

And obviously the logical answer would be NO give the book to ANYONE ON THE PLANET but him.
And then I thought about Grace and Mercy and Love and about the kind of woman I aspire to be and I thought how much more of a gift it might mean if after everything he came home to find it.

When people you love give you presents doesn't it feel special?
And when people you've used and treated with cruelty give you presents doesn't it feel overwhelmingly special?
Or has anyone you've ever hated bothered to bless you with something?


.............................

Life surprises with choices and new possibilities every day.
I forget how much power I actually have in who I'm going to be.
No matter what they choose to never do.
My heart does not decrease in spite of their efforts to crush it.

And what a gift to remember that.
To remember all that I already have, all that I am,
in their absence.