The bitch is back

I distrust men who are weepers.
It's like, dishonest or something.
What, are you crying?
That's your gut reaction, your initial instinct?
There is something seriously distrubing about a man who cries more than me.
It makes my stomach turn.

He told me I threw off his mack because I was standing behind him, along with half of Portlandia, at a concert.
I felt like I couldn't be myself on my date with you there and that really bugged me.

Whaaaaa?
How exactly do I hinder his true self?
I mean I am merely a F-R-I-E-N-D, aren't I?
What, do I possess some mad distracting power in my curly hair that shrinks his manhood?

Doesn't the fact he was stoned and sharing his date with a stadium hinder his level of intimacy more than lil' ol' me?
Hot damn! I must be more important than I thought!
I made him n-e-r-v-o-u-s.
What's the matter, player?
Confused over which girl you wanna dry hump?

Can you imagine the intensity of their conversation in between songs had I not been there?
Nietzche and existentialism and the theory of relativity.
Or rather his affinity for the color orange and getting his ear sucked on.

Why does he care if I'm near anyway?
My Capital F-ing Friend presence should have had no effect on him.
Why not just try grabbing her tits before even kissing her and see if she's into it?
That move works SO well.

Geez, I hate lame excuses.
Be creative, for crying out loud!

He could have at least screamed, WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME!! and then stormed off with her dumbfounded expression lagging behind.

I didn't follow you, you self righteous cry baby.

God has a most perverse sense of humor and had you move so you were standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME after I'd been standing in the same damn place for two hours.

The real kicker?
There was a moment of clarity when I had no intention of tapping him on the shoulder.
But then I thought, nah, it's too fucking crazy not to say hi.

And you know?
I'm so damn delighted I did cuz I discovered what an oversized manchild he really is.

Man, it feels good to be writing again.

Oh, Warner.
Remember that time I came over wearing nothing but a little black lace and you whispered, I feel like I don't deserve this! and then we went into your room and I surprised you with that thing I do so well?
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!


The only thing he was good at was making me moist and since he was too much of a pansy to follow through with that I have literally lost nothing.
He actually got to pushing my buttons intentionally one night then pulled away and announced, I am stopping. I am stopping to save our friendship.
Imagine the disgusted look on my face in the dark as I choked out the lie, How. terribly. sweet. of. you.

I know, I know, I was the little test subject.
Look at me, look at how much I can control myself!
Look at me exerting my will and being disciplined.
You know, since I used to have a problem lacking self control.

Well every girl does dream of being a transitory guinea pig.
At least he learned from the best.

You're welcome, you sanctimonious deceitful manipulative cretin.

Oh sweet Jesus, are you gonna cry again?
I hope the roommates are stocking kleenex.