An answer in search of a question

You haven't slept with him?
No. But I want to. It's been, like, sixteen months and the last time lasted only two minutes.
She stops chewing her food and stares blankly at me. I'm sorry. Did you say sixteen months??
Yup.
Oh I think you should definitely sleep with him.

If I took a survey regarding my latest interlude the results would make an amusing pie graph.
EVERYONE has an opinion about my sex life.
Which is kind of ridiculous considering the way most people hand it out like they're a pez dispenser.
But I'm not like most people.
And my friends know this.

I'm actually a pretty old fashioned debutante about the whole thing.
Relatively speaking, of course.

But the particular beau I've been delighting in as of late is different from the men I'm used to dating.
And maybe because of that I've found myself writing my own Hamlet soliloquy.
Ophelia's dirty to do or not to do speech.

Everyone from my pseudo boyfriend to my favorite customer has an opinion about whether or not I should keep my panties on.
And Lord knows mother will be wagging her finger in disapproval when she reads this one.

You're too bright and beautiful to put up with anybody's bullshit.
Right now he has the power and until you have the power you're subservient.
Only do it if you can accept the fact you'll inevitably get hurt.
After you do it only allow a maximum of five minutes of snuggling and then be the first one out of bed and get dressed.
Find someone else to sleep with so you can stay friends with him.

It's really kind of amusing the monsoon of advice I'm receiving.
I'd kind of like to make a video of everyone getting interviewed.
Maybe dig up some ex boyfriends too.
Just to make the video all that more hilarious.

I'll add that to my to do list.
Or not to do.

Obviously I'm not the kind of gal to act now and think later.
One of my many best and worst qualities.

But regardless of what I choose to do or not to do I had to ask myself....

Why am I so calm considering something with someone I barely know when there were men I was over the moon for I refused to ever consider?

Maybe this kids really special.
Or maybe I'm no longer a mere girl.

I'm not looking for myself in my relationships anymore.
I don't need to find myself.
I'm here already.
I think I've made that pretty apparent.

So maybe that's the real answer.
Maybe I shouldn't consider such intimacies with anyone until I'm certain I am whole without whatever it is they have to offer.
So I don't know.
I mean, I likely won't, because that's just the kind of dame I am.
But I have to wonder....
I want to sleep with him more than I've ever wanted to sleep with anybody else.
And I'm not in love with him.

What the hell is up with that.
Maybe I'm not as deep as I thought.

Or maybe some questions have more than one truthful answer.

"Actually going all the way is like, a really big decision. I can't believe I was so capricious about it."