Facebook is a dirty pirate hooker

I'd like to take a journey back through time and remember what life was like when people didn't have the obsessive tendencies to passive aggressively delete you from their lives at the drop of a hat.

Today I had that familiar revelation that we've all experienced on more than one occassion.

The bitch deleted me from Facebook.

Months ago, when I was mixed up with DB, I ran into this chick I hadn't seen since high school.
She came into my store and since her husband shared the same name as Douchebag I brought up that I'd recently run into him too and that we "met for drinks" since "made out topless" seemed a less than ladylike thing to say.
She then worked into the conversation, it does take a trained gossip to manage this, that the reason DB was divorced was because he cheated on his wife.
Would you like an affair to go with your Happy Heart perfume?

I, stunned, channeled my academy award winning acting skills and tried to appear as unmoved as possible.
Oh. Really. Isn't. That. A. Shame. I'm. Just. Going. To. Go. Dry. Heave. In. The. Back. Room. Now.

And she also happened to be BFF's with DB's ex and OF COURSE she decided she wanted to get coffee with me and be super duper friends!!

"You would totally make such a great addition to the group."
Yes.
She really said that.
My distrust-o-meter was on full scale BATSHITCRAZYBITCHABORT.
But do I ever trust my gut when it comes to pschizophrenic deceitful lying manipulative cheating gossiping two timing shallow whores?
No.
I wanna believe the best.

Sometimes I think I should be studied.
Maybe they could even sell tickets.

So after a very meaningful heart to heart in which she revealed to me all the intimate details of DB's marriage debacle
Because true friends shamelessly gossip about each other. O-B-V-I-O-U-S-L-Y.
The wench in question declared her and I to be newfound sisters and that we just HAD to do this again soon!!

This is the part where you all feign surprise when I inform you that I NEVER HUNG OUT WITH HER AGAIN.
'Twas most curious how after she convinced me I could trust her and open up about what happened with me and the DB she vanished.
Manipulation. Deception. All to get what you want and then bounce?
Hmm. Seems like it's painfully obvious why she was so close with Douchebag herself.

So for whatever reason, Facebook's evil whiles taunting me to type in her name, I discover the two faced bitch has deleted me.

One of my homegirls even tried to warn me that the bitch had always been a gossipy twit in high school and I probably shouldn't trust her.

But did I listen?
No. Why the hell would I do that?
I'm an irrational trusting ninny.

I hope the bitch and DB go bowling together.
They'd really make quite a handsome pair.

And schemers as skilled as they should really stick together.
That way the clouds of darkness looming over their heads will warn the rest of us to run screaming into the night.