I woke up this morning with a wretched cold.
I mean, the kind of plague that literally wasn't there as you closed your eyes to count sheep and then suddenly knocks the wind out of you when you open your eyes hours later.
Happy hump day to me.
I'm pretty pathetic when I'm sick.
I hate being alone and I get extra sensitive and emotional.
Imagine combining the worst PMS with a tender six year old.
That's me, minus the pink tutu.
And to add insult to injury I was impatiently longing to hear from both my crush and my casting producer.
Trying to be the hip friend I strive to be (rather than being such a woman) I'd given Richie his space and not contacted him in a week (6 days, but whose counting).
But viral plague a brewin' my need for contact and reassurance heightened and I sent out a 'Hi Friend' kind of text which seemed in fitting with the rules considering I'd never responded to one from him two days prior.
My God, it's exhausting following all these guidelines. Sometimes I really do miss PC when contacting a guy 27 times a day after not seeing him for 5 months was normalcy in our book.
I'm an intense woman. I act in extreme ways.
Today was also the day they were planning on making their casting decisions for the film I'd auditioned for.
And I really wanted to know the outcome.
And I really hoped I'd landed the part.
My callback was earlier in the week and I had left feeling like I'd nailed it.
That is such an incredible feeling, knowing that you gave it your all, that there was nothing more you could have done, so if they decide they want you or not there is no room for regret.
I rarely leave anything out in any area of my life, which is kind of how this all started in the first place.
The only reason I read for the part was because someone who reads this blog recruited me.
She liked my raw honesty and she saw something in my mind, in my heart, in my bravery to put it all out there, that resonated with the complexity of the character.
And that meant the world to me.
At the callback they told me I looked beautiful and showed them the range they were looking for and that also meant the world.
I got the call tonight and found out I didn't get the part.
Disheartened, I listened to the disappointment with quiet acceptance.
Truthfully, you had a stronger audition and there were some people on the panel that wanted you to get the part. But there were so many different factors to consider and we went with someone else.
I silently nodded my head.
That's show biz, kid.
I once had a director tell me the only reason I didn't get cast was because they decided to go for the blonde instead.
It's the beauty and the pain of such a turbulent industry.
Good roles happen to bad actors.
And sometimes no roles happen to good actors.
And sometimes great roles are written for great performers.
And that's what I was offered instead.
He was so amazed by your audition and so inspired by you he is writing you into the script. He's turning what was originally a small part into something else entirely, just for you. You're so beautiful, we need you in this movie.
I gave in to every tender, emotional, feminine instinct in me and wept.
I not only had been seen, I'd been sought.
I didn't just fit a role, I'd inspired one.
And that made me feel so proud, to be the flawed, crazy, intense, irrational, open, passionate woman I am.
Because in this moment, for this time, I was what they had to have.
I was wonderful, as I am.
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