a window into a resa's love language

The Five Love Languages

by Gary Chapman

Receiving Gifts

~the gift of self~

"There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one's hand.  I call it the gift of self or the gift of presence.  Being there when someone needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.  Jan once said to me, 'My husband, Don, loves softball more than he loves me.  On the day our baby was born, he played softball.  I was lying in the hospital all afternoon while he played softball,' she said.

'Was he there when the baby was born?'

'Oh, yes.  He stayed long enough for the baby to be born, but ten minutes afterward, he left to play softball.  I was devastated.  It was such an important moment in our lives.  I wanted us to share it together.  I wanted him to be there with me.  Don deserted me to play.'

That husband may have sent her a dozen roses, but they would not have spoken as loudly as his presence in the hospital room beside her. 

'Have you based your conclusion that Don loves softball more than he loves you on this one experience?'

'Oh, no," she said.  "On the day of my mother's funeral, he also played softball.'

'Did he go to the funeral?'

'He went to the funeral, but as soon as it was over, he left to play softball.  I couldn't believe it.  My brothers and sisters came to the house with me, but my husband was playing softball.'

Later, I asked Don about those two events.  He knew exactly what I was talking about.  'I knew she would bring that up,' he said.  'I was there through all the labor and when the baby was born.  I took pictures; I was so happy.  I couldn't wait to tell the guys on the team, but my bubble was burst when I got back to the hospital that evening.  She was furious with me.  I couldn't believe what she was saying.  I thought she would be proud of me for telling the team.

'And when her mother died?  She probably did not tell you that I took off work a week before she died and spent the whole week at the hospital and at her mother's house doing repairs and helping out.  After the funeral was over, I felt I had done all I could do.  I needed a breather.  I like to play softball, and I knew that would help me relax and relieve some of the stress I'd been under.  I thought she would want me to take a break.  I had done what I thought was important to her, but it wasn't enough.  She has never let me forget it.  She says that I love softball more than I love her.  That's ridiculous.'

He was a sincere husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence.

His being there for his wife was more important than anything else in her mind.

Physical presence is the most powerful gift you can give if someone's primary love language is receiving gifts.  Your body becomes the symbol of your affection.  Remove the symbol, and the sense of love evaporates."