Hit me with a little oxygen

Addictions are sneaky.
Like tricky, ill timed little bastards.
I thought I'd shaken mine, cold turkey, one hundred percent.
I mean, it had certainly been awhile.
It seemed long enough to have fully gone through detox.

And then tonight it hit me with full force, this wave of longing.
This need for a hit.
And before I even knew what I was doing I reached out.

No, I wasn't smashed.

Or depressed.

I lacked excuses.

I just longed.
An ache for the feeling of what had been or what I'd believed had been.

That's the thing about addictions. They rarely are ever what they appear to be.

And I thought it was crazy that I could crave something I didn't actually want anymore.
I'd learned to like someone new, to crave different highs.
And yet buried within my cells, tucked away in corners with me unawares, the longing continued.

And it overwhelmed.
And made me dizzy.
And I wondered where they were and what they were doing.
And if their room had suddenly began spinning.
Or if it was just me.

No full moon.
No meaningful day.
Just an unexpected wave.

And I wondered if everyone experienced these pangs over the loves they'd lost.
And if they always crept up on you so unexpectedly.
Or if they'd ever just go away.

Which seemed nice.
And sad at the same time.

Change was a good thing.
Maybe the best of things.
So why did I still hope to see their name appear in my phone?

Maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was for everything he wasn't ready for either.
We could each rest on the clouds of haze while they passed through.
Whenever that may be.