The truth is, I saw where this was headed from the beginning. I saw that you were a man, wounded and lost, seeking distraction and sanctuary from a world you'd trusted that had shattered around you. I knew I was to be Transition Girl for you, a sort of stepping stone from one place in your life to another, and I welcomed it with open arms, knowing full well our time together would be brief. That's why it made me laugh the times you argued we shouldn't be physical because then this would be a short thing that would merely end.
Surely neither of us is so naive as to not already embrace and recognize it has already ended, and so quickly after it never began.
I wanted to give you 'Way of the Peaceful Warrior' because I fell in love with it last year and as I'm re-reading it I thought it might be something you'd enjoy.
I wanted to tell you that however brief our little laison lasted, I am thankful for it and thankful for you. I hadn't felt an attraction or connection like that with anyone in a year. And it's very hard to stop pining for an ex when you never experience the kind of chemistry that made you so crazy for them in the first place.
I went into this whole thing with you assuming that you were the one with the great need for me. And not realizing that I had needed you too. You reminded me how unexpected and unlikely encounters can fill tiny voids inside us, reminding us we are enough, simply as we are.
I'm sorry that during those weeks together I let my insecurity and fears get the better of me and I believed the lie that I was merely a toy to you.
I know you to be a much greater man than that. Or I never would have felt such an attraction to you in the first place.
I watched this music video to "Stranger" by Noah and the Whale and I thought of you. I think I wanted to stand still with you for a moment and pour into you the affection you seem starved to receive. But sometimes Timing is not so overly simplistic and I don't think you are ready for the kind of connection I strive to embody. And that's ok. Because I hope I gave something small to you that you needed. And I hope you know how much I appreciate you for offering me the attention and validation that I so desperately needed, knowing a guy I didn't know saw me and sought me out and delighted in me.
I think that's all any woman wants. And it takes a strong woman to bow out gracefully when circumstances change and with them, her role.
I merely wanted to write this to you to let you know that I think you are one of the most wonderful, sweet, devastatingly handsome, incredible kissers I've ever had the joy to encounter. And I hope when you think of me you'll remember that crazy girl who wanted to tear your clothes off every time she saw you and who longed to pour the stars from her eyes into yours.
Life is most unpredictable and unexpected.
And you were this gift I am so thankful for.
I'm terrible at not telling the people I care for constantly how much I think of them.
So rather than be that girl continuing to seek out a man who needs to move forward to other chapters, I wanted to write you here and now, to tell you that when I think of you I smile. And I remember you as that guy I planned on not feeling anything for sending me a text saying I had him singing in his car. And me, quietly whispering to myself, "Fuck." Because I knew, I felt a real connection with you. And you were supposed to just be another asshole.
But you, dear sir, are so much more.
And I hope if nothing else, I could give you that, a reminder of the truth that is in you.
I am here for you, should you need me,
should you finally wanna take that walk under the stars, or give me the back massage you owe me or hear some amazing jazz.
But I just wanted you to know, you're intoxicating.
And what more could any woman ask for?
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