Alpha Bitch

"What the hell!  It's not even Valentine's Day!"

"True.  But Valentine's Day is on a Monday and you can't celebrate a Holiday on a Weekday because it's a WEEK. DAY.   And everybody knows important things can only happen on weekends."

Happy hour can be a pretty intense beast.

Sure, the drinks are half price and the appetizers are less than five bucks but during peak times navigating crowds and securing a table can resemble Animal Planet with the predators stalking their territory.  People scout out a table and lock eyes with nearby onlookers arching one tightly knit brow that whispers, Bitch, that table's mine.

So Sunday eve we stopped by the happiest happy hour in Portlandia (Bartini, how we heart thee so!) and the bar was unusually crowded in an obscene way.  (Thus my date's emphatic, What the hell!) 
I hate wait.  We all hate waiting.  But I am a firm believer in the adage You have not because you ask not.  So when I spotted three girls sitting on the two purple couches in the corner I thought I'd ask if they minded if we joined their comfy haven and we could take one couch while they took the other.

The look of hostility the Ugo on my right gave me nearly turned me to stone.

Oh honey, that's really not a good look for you, I declared.
Excuse me? she growled.
Unattractive girls should SMILE.  You know, try and play up all you don't have?  Smile more, scowl less. TRUST ME.
Steam.  Literally fumes started shooting out of the side of her head.
You're welcome! I grinned widely, then turned on my heels in my fabulous David Meister little black dress and walked away.

Alright, so maybe it didn't happen exactly like that.
Maybe I actually was a polite and friendly lady about the whole thing even when that cow glared at me as if to say, How DARE you ask to sit near us?  And maybe when the Alpha Ugo decided her and her two friends needed both couches that could easily seat ten people (I know because I've sat in those purple couches dozens of times with at least that many luscious ladies) I just shrugged and smiled, Ok, no worries! before I turned and walked away.

But wouldn't it have been SWELL if for one night Veronica made a comeback and put those wannabes in their place?

Like the time that coffee slut went after my then recent ex boyfriend and bragged about the group roller skating date he was going on with her.  And she'd sneered, I'm S-U-R-E you can come if you WANT.  He PROBABLY wouldn't mind.
And did I respond by telling her She's so pretty it was a shame she's such a whore?
NO.
I smiled and channelled my inner Mother and patron saint and politely declined, I have plans but thank you.

Bitch.  Bitch.  BITCH!!!

Ooooh man!  I wanted to pop that inflatible bitch and watch her fly around the room.

But I did end up going roller skating that night because HE had invited me to go.  And HE spent most of the time holding my hand and skating with me.  No words were necessary.  That whole night was girl code for, Step off, whore.  You don't stand a chance.

I got her back though, in my own Resa way.  Months later I dropped off these rings she'd loved of mine.  When I saw her after that she was SO sheepish around me.  There's a reason the scripture reads, Loving your enemies is liking heaping hot coals on their head.  It was like my generosity shamed her.

People know when they're being bitches.  Why do you think Mr. Volcano never wrote me back after I told him I was well aware of his continual slander regarding  me but that even IN SPITE of him I still believe in the amazing man he is even with how greatly he hurt me?

SHAME.

Shame thy name is Douchefuck.
And he does wear the title so well.
Especially from the mountains.
The fresh air surely suits him.
There are lots of men for him to climb.
Oh, I'm sorry.  Did I say men?
I meant TREES.  There are lots of trees for him to climb.

Silly Resa.


The alpha bitch still lives on.
And one of these days she may duct tape the demure mouth of Resa and tell every wretched chick they're just so beautiful no one would ever know they were a dude.

Or I'll continue making my Mother proud and just walk away.

But at least I can write about it.