I have a new prince in my life.
Well, he may be a bit young to yet be a prince.
I suppose then he is a duke.
I have to say I was initially wary of spending time with him. Under my recent circumstances I'm wary of men in general. Sorry boys, you know I love you dearly, but I've been kicked in the gut just a few too many times as of late and as such I've become like a paranoid android who was recently held at gun point: I dart my head side to side like some tropical bird waiting for some attacker to jump out of the bushes.
It sounds silly but I actually find it off putting now when I feel a man is leering at me. I used to delight at any sort of attention a man threw my way. Snaps for me! He's savvy enough to appreciate how gorgeous I am! But now I feel so distrustful, I just want to be left alone. I'm not sure I've ever felt like this before. But it certainly makes me one of the minority who actually enjoy their life as a Singleton.
But this duke, he just wanted to spend time with me. We just talked. Do you remember what that's even like to be around someone of the opposite where you just share stories and enjoy each others company? No ulterior motives. No hidden agenda. No false intentions. No saying I'm not the one and then pinning me against the wall with kisses.
It was just...nice. He's good people. It was an unexpected treat to have company with someone who didn't make me nervous or make me doubt who I am.
Maybe for some of you you're thinking what's the big deal?
But I don't have guy friends.
None.
And when I do finally seem to find a friend it never lasts.
And no, it's not because I always end up kissing them.
Though that's a big part of it.
I think this duke was brought into my life to remind me that men like him do indeed exist and are not merely urban legends.
He hardly knows me and he made a lovely cheese pizza, just for me, because he knew I was sad about everything and he wanted to cheer me up.
And when we ordered our drinks he paid for mine but acted like it was no big deal.
When we were outside for a time I hadn't said or done anything to complain but he just, out of the blue, put out his cigarette and said, You're getting cold. Let's get you inside.
And when I told him a little of all that's been going on he said it sounded like I was doing all the right things, all I could do in the situation.
You're such a sweet girl, don't worry, he encouraged me.
It all probably sounds so simple but it was somehow everything I needed in that moment.
I hadn't even realized I'd grown so wary of others. I've become someone who'd rather just be alone if I can't be around those few I really trust. That's probably part of the reason I wasn't eager to go on that second date. There are so many folks out there who sadly just want to take something from you. And having the kind of nature that wants to give all it can to help another or make them happy makes me vulnerable to those who would abuse such generosity. Sometimes it's too late before I feel the affects of giving away all too easily so much of myself. Suddenly I'm left feeling like all these tiny holes have been punched out of me but no one is around mending them or filling them with their love.
I'm done cutting myself up for those who leave me with nothing to hold onto.
This Reese is not up for the taking, contrary to popular belief.
Get yourself a blow up doll and you can use and abuse her all you like.
And she won't even get lippy when you cross a line.
She'll just look back at you with vacant eyes.
And you can wish and you can fantasize.
But the eyes you look into will never again be mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment