You read what I write?

I remember the first time I found out someone other than my family or two best friends was reading my blog.


I was at work and a girl I went to high school with was in my store.  I never really knew her in high school.  I just knew OF her.  She was the type of girl the stars in teen movies are based after.  She was beautiful and smart, captain of the basketball team, the softball team, the homecoming queen and probably the prom queen and everyone from the band geeks to the computer nerds knew who she was.  Now she's a lawyer in California and dating some guy I also don't know whose well loved and likely has an obscene amount of facebook friends and she just oozes the stuff that Romy and Michelle would have aspired to be for their high school reunion.

So on this particular day this blast from the past happened to be in my store she told me something before she left.
By the way, I really love what you write on Facebook, your status updates and all that.  And I really love your blog. 
I know I stopped whatever I was doing and did a double take. 
You're a really talented writer.  I've told some of my friends who also blog about it and they read it too.

When she left I was stunned.  The Prom Queen liked MY blog.  My little, self indulgent, inane ramblings.  And she wasn't my Mom or my brother or my best friend.  She didn't have to like it just because she liked me.  She didn't know me.  And she read what I wrote.


It was definitely a sort of wake up call for me.  It was like this little reassurance I didn't even know I needed that simply said I do have a talent and I should keep at it.  And it doesn't merely bless me to release the thoughts but the thoughts bless others.

And that's pretty fucking fantastic.


Tonight a gal I also hardly know, told me she reads my blog and that I inspired her to write a blog of her own.  And how cool is that?  Isn't the ultimate goal of art to inspire?  And art that inspires art has got to be what it's all about.



One of the other compliments I've received as of late was from a friend who said, You make me feel better about myself.  When I'm around you I feel more confident.  And it fit in this tiny dark corner of my heart because my greatest desire is to inspire people, to make them happy, to make their days brighter.  And for whatever reason, I feel especially compelled to want to encourage the women in my life.

It hurt so much dealing with the hate and judgment of all those women I thought I'd won over last year.  Do you know how HARD I tried to be loving to those wenches?  Oh man.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I struggled to do all the things I felt that I needed to do in learning to love the Unlovables and especially loving my enemies.  And I don't mean in an overly spiritual, prideful arrogant way some folks act that makes them strut around looking down their noses at people.  They're the ones who scoffed I would NEVER do that when they learned of the idiot mistake I made.

No, I NEEDED to be loving towards those monsters for my own sanity and survival.  Because I knew something needed to change.  At that time, I hated going to work.  I dreaded being around so many of my co workers I think I only liked half of them.  I let those Miserables steal my joy every single day.  Then I'd go home and bitch about them to my friends and they'd steal my nights and my free time too.  Then I'd find out I was opening with them the next day and I'd be grumpy before I even left my house.

What the hell kind of life is that?

So can you see?  Learning to love them was for ME not them.  Sure, the times I managed to bless one of the She Devils was a positive sparkle for them but blessing them blessed me.

Hmm.
Ain't it great I can still find a way to make even the right thing ,the seemingly selfless thing, still about me?
It's a gift.

I'll never forget the first loving act I felt prompted to do.
The Alpha Witch, the one I was warned about before I even started working at that store, was going through a hard time financially.  And I decided I needed to give her some money.
WHAT?!  Give HER money?!  I'd rather do just about anything repulsive.  But the truth was I'd let myself get to the point that I genuinely hated her.  Oh, I know, nobody ever wants to admit they hate anyone.  I. don't. hate. her. I. just. don't. like. her. very. much.  Look up the definition of hate.  You aren't fooling anyone.  You're just too much of a coward to admit your own short comings.

Well I'm not.

I hated that bitch.  And that's why I needed to bless her.  Because hate was poisoning my heart.  And if I didn't step out and take action to change I would have stayed there in that miserable, unhappy state.

I won't bore you with the long, drawn out details or how that one act opened the door for an entirely different relationship but I will say that The-hard-hearted-never-smiles-porcupine-of-a-person cried when I gave her the card and money.  She even apologized for being so awful towards me and opened up about some of the painful things she was dealing with in her life.  I was beyond shocked. And I also had no idea how much pain she really was in.  And months later my boss made the comment after noticing how playful the two of us were working together, It's so weird how well the two of you get along now.
And I just smiled.

Because honey, you have NO idea what I went thru to get here.


And she wasn't the only one.  I went through personal struggles and journeys finding ways to understand and love those folks I spent so many hours with each week.  And I can say, without any ounce of hubris, I won them over.  Each and every one.  In September when I felt it might be my time to start a new chapter elsewhere I remember feeling my work was done.  It was time for me to be challenged and pushed to grow somewhere new.

But I stayed.  And I made a poor choice.  And the hate and judgment and slander that suffocated me from those I'd worked so hard to win over was STINGING.

Did they forget how they'd cried at my generosity?  Did they forget their overwhelming relief that I'd inadvertently answered their prayers in what seemed a hopeless situation?  Did they forget how much they loved their presents, my presence, how often they'd suggested we all go out for drinks?

Gone.
All gone.
That was all moot because now they had learned who I "Truly" was.
And all I'd become was a vessel for their disdain.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
And I pray I never make anyone feel as hated as they all made me feel.


And now?

Now they are all faded characters in a book I shelved long ago.  Now I giggle over the fact they probably continue to speak slander of me and I, conversely, am encouraging, inspiring, loving and blessing the new, wonderful people I'm meeting every day.

And I feel loved.  And appreciated.  And not a day goes by that some co worker or customer or stranger in a store says something appreciative towards me.

And the hate those Miserables poured into me, that stuck in my flesh and made it hard to breathe, has long fallen away.

And none of it has power to steal my joy any longer.