Game Over

I told my folks recently my life is really simple right now but it feels really full.
There's meaning in that somewhere.


Delight yourself in the Lord and He gives you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

So you mean when I'm content and happy with my life as it is, with where I'm at and all I don't have then suddenly blessings are gonna show up at my front door?

Damn.
That's fantastic.

Can I be honest and share something?
When I held onto my past, I might add a past who didn't want me anymore, I. Was. Miserable.

When I sat around wondering what went wrong or why he no longer loved me or what I could do to try and entice him I was not the sparkly Resa I was made to be.  And I'm not talking about only one 'him' here.  I went through this same silly pattern with another guy who was wrong for me.

Do I really think the guy I'm meant to be with, the one chosen over all the others out there, The One, My Soul Mate is a guy who is so overwhelmed by his love for me he runs away?  Or even worse, he chooses to be with someone else over me?

I don't think so.
Have you SEEN what I look like??

So why why why why please ladies, look in the mirror and figure out why when we all know better we waste so much time thinking and hoping and scheming over someone who really isn't adding much to our life anyway.

You know what happened as soon as I let go, I mean really let go to a past that was doing his best to keep me stuck with him, when I stopped all contact once and for all, when I accepted whole heartedly that he would never be the prince I'd misdiagnosed him to be?

New doors opened.

It was like I woke up and my world was finally in color once again.
And all the grey that had suffocated me all those months of last year was GONE.

I discovered the dance studio that has now become a significant part of my life.  Because of all the dancing I'm doing I feel confident about making a dance troupe the studio is putting together.  Because the studio is the kind of atmosphere suited to my demonstrative personality and incessant effervescence I feel like I've made 30 new best friends.  Because I'm putting my passions first, I found a new outlet to channel all the love and passion I tried to express with a man who wasn't available to me. And I feel content.  I feel like I found myself again.  And I hadn't even known I'd gone missing.

And now I'm being asked on dates when for all those months there were none to be found.  And Oh how I wanted to date someone else and stop loving those men I needed to stop loving!  And it was like God had His arms crossed and his brows stern and He simply shook his head.  Nuh uh.  You need it?  You're not joyful without it?  Then guess what you aren't getting?  No dates.  You get no man to distract you and make this transition easy.  You get Me and you get you.  I know you can do it.

Oooh!  That made me so mad!  Son of a bitch, I used to sass God (Yes, sometimes I bitch to the Almighty and not just my girlfriends).  And I'd whine and complain and not trust.

Awe.
NOT trust.

You think God rewards that kind of behavior?  That'd be like giving in to a toddler everytime they throw a tantrum for cookies.  I think it's more like Him looking at me and waiting, and then asking, Are you through so we can move on to the sparkly future I have waiting up ahead?  Or are you still wallowing about the toxic things I lovingly removed from your life?  I have no problem waiting.  Did you or did you not ask MY will be done?

Gulp.
Maybe I did and maybe I did.

So my point?

LET. GO.

Those things you're fighting to hold onto, the people who don't want you, whatever change you're scared to make, just stop.  Do you really wanna stay here, right HERE for-ev-er?  Do you think maybe, just maybe, you will grow and be challenged if you're somewhere, oh, say different?

Hmm.

That's what I thought.

All of it, all that hell I survived last year has brought me here.

And I've never been more overwhelmingly content and excited to wake up every day.

And I don't have a glamorous job.
And I don't have a lover.
And I have very little money.
And on and on and on.

But I have faith.
I hope for the best.
I have the love of all who cross my path.

And I have the freedom in seeing FINALLY you boys, you sweet, clueless boys, were not for me.

But it gives me great satisfaction in knowing I was so significant to you.

So there's that.