The Uselessness of Lacuna

You can erase someone from your mind.  Getting them out of your heart is another story.



I had quite the revelation the other day.


I've heard people make comments such as, If I'd never dated him or If we just would have met sooner or anything along the lines of placing all responsibility on time.  Mr. Indecisive's favorite mantra was It's just not our time right now.  That always made me chuckle.  As though such an abstract notion might set to ease all doubts I may have had.  Oh, what a relief!  Is that what all this was?  Just not 'our time?' NOW I GET IT!!  Had it been our actual time all of our problems would have vanished!  And you wouldn't be Mr. Indecisive.  You'd be Mr. Wonderful!

What was so unbelievably false in his misdiagnosis was that T-I-M-E did not account for the pheromones that had driven us to one another after the years that should have erased our recollection of each other.

And that's when it hit me.

Several, let's be accurate: Three of the last four romantic entanglements I've managed to wriggle away from in the last two years were men I was attracted to and had an interest in YEARS AGO.
Mr. Indecisive and I met seven years ago and he told me he had such a puppy dog crush on me then that he wrote a song about me.  But I had just started dating Narcissus.  The boy didn't stand a chance.
But when he searched me out via Facebook all those years later it was like we picked up our crush where we'd left off.  Or rather, where we'd never started.
Narcissus was also the reason I didn't date the Texter when we first met eight years ago in spite of us each expressing our attraction to a mutual friend but that didn't stop us from playing tonsil hockey when our paths aligned close to a decade later.
And Prince Charming.  Awe, Prince Charming also came into my life around those same years and while I was attracted to him even then, of course I knew nothing would ever happen.

Cut to six years later and apparently these vixen eyes can make even the unattainable swoon.


And this revelation made me shake my head in bemusement.

You see, Time, my dear little Doubters, is a moot. point.
What I've discovered, my love life is living proof, is that what will be will be no matter how we try and resist it, stop it, deny it, run away from it.
You can marry another.  You can move 3000 miles away.  You can fall in love with every A, N, or J name you encounter.  You can ignore the fantasies your emotions carry you away to.

You can visit Lacuna and have them removed from your memory.

But those we are drawn to, those who return our overwhelming passion, those who tell their friends how cute they think we are and continue to wonder about us months, years after our absence....

They are the ones who had to be.
Because it WAS our time.
In spite of every way they each fumbled it up.
Including me.

It didn't work now and it wouldn't have worked then and I'm confident that in ten years that improved version of a man they'll become will still not work. 
Not for me.

But we needed to know.
We needed to finish our chapters.

And that makes me confident that no matter what the time, it was our time.
Those kisses were ours.
Those hopeful sidelong glances were ours.
The love was ours.

And Lacuna is incapable of removing any of it from my memory.