"What makes love stay?"
Selflessness.
I don't know what's more sad: knowing he still reads what I write or the possibility that he stopped reading long ago. How are we to move forward from a lost love if part of us is still holding on to part of them?
Is that why we try and make love ferment after it ends so it is easier to leave behind?
But where then does the love go?
Do we just redirect their love towards another?
Or is their love theirs alone?
How do we fool our hearts into being satisfied with all that isn't?
There is something to be said for out of sight out of mind.
Mother always says that we want what we think about, that we care about what we make time for.
And I realized for my own sake not having contact with a lost love is what is best for me.
I never knew how to do that until this year.
I come from a selfless breed of woman who knows the loving sacrifice of putting your loved ones needs before your own.
No matter
what
the
cost.
That is dangerous.
Because that kind of selfless love needs to have self preserving boundaries.
It needs to not be wasted on the Abusers.
We need to not cast our pearls before swine.
We need to guard our hearts for out of it flow life.
We need not put anothers needs first when their will is not aligned with God's.
Ah.
That changes a few things doesn't it?
I have learned a lot this year.
One thing I've seen is that love is fleeting. It overwhelms. It chooses its victims and we don't have any damn control over it. Love is not determined by how the one being loved responds to love.
I love for loves sake. I love in spite of the cowards and the undesirables.
Love cannot strangle, when it does the victim finds a way to escape.
And finds a gullible princess to escape with.
Love is inconsistent. It wanes. It fades. It's fickle.
But for love to stay it must be selfless.
With selfishness love will always find another, more beautiful, more talented, more doting, more amorous, more fulfilling counterpart.
When love wanders you have to stop and look in the mirror and ask why.
Some may sweep it under the bed, never to be examined again, for fear of discovering what lies within.
But love does not delude.
It reveals. It enlightens.
It does not deceive, it does not creep and sneak, it is not half way.
It does not lay next to one heart and long for another.
Love releases.
And that is why I deleted all the texts and the photos and the voicemails. Those were the hardest to part with. For me, the voice of a loved one has always played a close second of delight to seeing their face. But I knew I'd remember all that was spoken even though I may never hear their voice again.
And I needed to put it all aside and remember not the former things so that this new thing that is being fashioned can actually happen.
I have to get out of my own way.
I have to stop feeding a love that doesn't belong to me.
The only way to kill the flesh is to starve it.
And damn does that sting.
I hate starving.
I want the warm comfort of familiarity.
I want to see the love dripping from those dark eyes, looking at me like I'm the goddess of their dreams.
But this is a season of dying love.
Because what's good for the goddess ain't good for the gent.
It may not even be good for her either.
She's pretty dumb when it comes to her heart.
Thankfully, she had yet to keep all she thought she had wanted.
No comments:
Post a Comment