Sigh no more

"Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."


I had this grand idea.

A girl I used to work with recently married and moved to the east coast.  Unsurprisingly she's been overwhelmingly homesick.  I remember what that was like, living three thousand miles from home, away from those whose conversation kept me sane, who always loved me no matter how bitchy I could be.  And I felt for this girl who not only had the overwhelming change that must be marriage but she had to do all of it while away from her friends and family.

And that's when it hit me.

So I decided to send her a care package for her birthday and get all her old coworkers in on it too, which somehow felt comical after everything I'd gone through with all of them.  But that's life right?  Just when you think you're through with someone, guess again!  People can and will haunt you.  And it never seems to be the people you want to haunt you.  Damn.

And I went there to drop off cards for them to fill out for her and being there felt different.  It didn't seem to affect me in the same way anymore.  I guess I'm different.  And I guess I've accepted all that has yet to be discovered and I no longer am concerned with what they think of me.  Or how little they think of me. 

I found some things I already had to put in the care package and created some mixed cds for her and even went to some stores and found a really great headband I think she'll love. 
Now all I needed was a card from the cutest guy from Starbucks and her package would be complete.

And it all made me feel like I was on a high.  It's like that cheesy line from that movie, it really is a far better thing doing stuff for other people.  Do you know why we get depressed?  Do you know why we can't seem to drag our self pitying butts out of bed?  Because we're consumed with self.  It's like a virus that plagues our brain. 

Poor me.  It's so unfair what they did to me.  I wish they saw me.  I wish he called me.  Me.  Me.  ME.

God, it was so ridiculously simple, it almost made me dizzy. 
You can't be selfish and be happy. 
But you can love and be free.
And that, that felt amazing.
And no one could touch this loving heart.
No one.

And I felt like in spite of everyone I'd found myself in the same centered place I'd been in months ago when I occupied my time with ways to love the unlovable.  Those have been the greatest days.  And I think that's all I was trying to do when I stumbled down the rabbit hole. 
Funny, isn't it?  How wrong a love can be.  Yet regret was not a factor.  Not with this lady, anyway.

It made me smile to think of her face as she'll open the box and the wave of surprise that will hit her as she'll take in how many people remember her.  That's what we all want you know, to feel remembered.  No one wants to be forgotten, then they fear they were never important to begin with.
But of course that's not true.
But we always know what's really true.
That's the most delicious secret of all.

Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free