The other day I receieved a pretty incredible gift. I say incredible which may seem like a bit of an overstatement when I unfold what took place but allow me to explain.
One of the most challenging, most mind numbing, painful, pride swallowing, daunting tasks we must endure is loving our enemies. Oh sure, you think you're little Miss Pollyanna able to be the shining optimist amidst the Negative Nancies and Terrible Tom's but just wait. There's always that one, wretchedly vile, unforgivable, most offendable beast of a person who will inflict a desire in your gut to induce pain.
Harsh. Real. Pain.
Oh I know, I know, you won't admit it. And why should you? Your dirty little secrets are your dirty little secrets. I would never think that, your pride lies. Oh, but you would, you will, you do and if you don't learn to redirect it, 'twill eat you alive, my friend.
I have one of those. One of those ever so delightful, smile killing pests of an evil presence in my life and not only do they consistently go out of their way to make the intensity of their hate for me known but they just so happen to be way too closely linked to my way too fresh wound of a past.
Le sigh.
Nothing strengthens the heart more than enduring hate from those intertwined with the ones you've loved.
And they say life doesn't have a sense of humor.
BAH!
So this darling, as I'll call him, became loud and clear my project of the hour. You were brought into my life to strengthen my patience and God is not going to remove you from my life until I learn the lesson, I told him flat out one day. He looked at me with the most amused expression, I swear to God I wanted to slap him. So each day in this darling's presence was a test. Sometimes I passed. You did not steal my joy! Ha! Take that, sucka! And sometimes I failed. I got so angry I thought I was going to scrub the metal right off the counter. I had to pray that God stapled my lips shut so I didn't speak in my anger. The power of life and death, my friend. And this vixen can have a flogging tongue if she so chooses. And the times I let that darling get into my happy bubble I would feel so freakin' annoyed with myself! What is wrong with you? I'd think. You know better. There was this one day that I took the bait and made some unloving comment to the little darling in the context of something like if such and such happened then he'd lose his life. It wouldn't be much to lose, he'd quietly spoken with all sincerity.
Conviction.
This. Guy. Was. A. Lost. Lonely. Soul.
And there's a great reason why God tells us to love our enemies, to bless those who curse us, to do good to those who hate us, to pray for those who spitefully use and persecute us. Because it is the best thing for both of us. He's a pretty clever God, that Big G. He knows his shit.
Beg your pardon. He knows his shizzy.
And there have certainly been times I've had to utter that prayer through gritted teeth for more than one unlovable, but let me tell you....I always feel better when I do. Maybe not while I'm doing it. My flesh is screaming out, No! I wanna set fire to something they love! I wanna murder their dog! I wanna smash something! I want! I want! I want! And then you snap out of it and realize that getting what you want is not always a good thing.
Praise be I'm not the one in control or there'd be a whole lotta flames about Portland. And Rhode Island. And Alaska.
Well, you get the picture.
Anyway, the point is, I, in all gut wrenching humility wrote this darling an encouraging, loving apology for all the ways I'd offended and wronged him and even bought him a book I thought he'd benefit from reading. Did he say anything about it? Of course not. We're not loving to win medals. We love because we must, because it is what we're here to do.
But the gift I did receive is this: A woman who comes into my Starbucks every day came in disheartened recently. When I asked her what was wrong she very severely told me she was not happy with her husband. Never did such small words carry with them such biting disdain. We joked about the obvious things she could do; charge some jewelry on his credit card, bitch over wine with her closest friend. And then in a more serious tone I said, You know what you should do? You should do something really loving for him because when people are really mean to us it confuses them when you're loving towards them. And my little eavesdropping darling was standing right there and chimed in, You've been trying to do that with me and it hasn't been working. And I looked him square in the eyes and said, Yes. It. Has.
You see, he had noticed all I'd been trying to do in my actions towards him and the fact he took note of it and also that it was juxtoposed with his hatred means it was like heaping hot coals on his head!!
That's my new favorite scripture, Loving your enemies is like heaping hot coals on their heads.
Of course, in his case and a few others I'd also like to heap hot coals down their pants.
I'm just that damn loving.
A similar occurrence also happened recently with a gal who had gone out of her way to slander me and make it known where her loyalties lied after my break from Mr. Indecisive. She, like her fellow insecure bitches was incapable of anything that wasn't purely self serving. I remember one time fresh after the heartache she tried to flaunt in my face she was going rollerskating with my lost love and condescendingly sneered, You can probably come too, if you want, I'm sure that'd be ok. And I, mustering every lady like muscle in my being and channeling my Mother, calmly replied, Thank you but I already have plans.
So one day, one lovely, minding my own business kind of a day, I stumbled upon a box of jewelry she had helped me pack when I first moved six months ago and I remember how much she had told me she loved these particular rings. You should give those rings to her, the little voice inside of me urged.
Are you kidding me??! I wanted to scream. Give them to HER! Uh huh. No way! No freaking way!
Sigh.
And then I realized, that's what walking in love is all about, my friends.
So I gathered up the rings and put them in a little pouch and wrote a note of thanks for how she had helped me all those months prior. And I left them with a close friend at her store.
Cut to a month or so later and I'm sent by my store to go to hers to pick up some product and she happens to be there. I am never going to forget her face as she began thanking me for the rings I'd left for her. The confusion and meekness that overcame her made me almost giggle.
You see I could have just been a bitch right back to her, don't think I didn't think about it. But I don't want to be like them. I want to be like Him. However challenging that may be, however much it makes me want to scream over my wounded ego.
I am not of this world. I am here to serve.
And that's also why on this night, anticipating the waves of hate that lie in store for me tomorrow, I chose to write loving cards to each and every one of them. I refuse to let them steal my joy. I refuse to let them turn me into anyone but the loving, bubbly, persistently optimistic Elle Woods I truly am. And they can just eat the chocolate I leave for them and slander me while they do it.
I don't care anymore.
I have so many incredible things just waiting up ahead, I don't have one minute to waste on any of them.
Not the slanderers, the judgmental, the gossips, the haters, not even the hearts that love me in all their confusion.
I want so much more.
And I can't wait to tell you all about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment