About a month ago some unfortunately timed events simultaneously occurred. These events and the hate that radiated from them made their way through my pores poisoning my joy filled heart. I became a woman of rage and I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone.
I changed my phone number. I deleted my facebook account. I tried to leave my job. I wanted out and away from everyone and everything associated with this past that was accosting my phone and my computer. Will you all just leave me the hell alone! I screamed in silence. And it took me a long time to realize I felt the same way about God. Having a close walk with Him is amazing. But it also means you will be tested more and you will also be under attack more. If you're not a threat to the Thief, he leaves you alone but for the Warriors, he works overtime to devour. And I failed to remember this when I shut the door on my time with God. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm not sure of the exact timeline but I'm pretty sure it was about three weeks, three weeks of no prayer, no reading in the word, no speaking the word aloud, nothing.
No God. Just Reese. And the ways I was channeling my rage.
It was on the heels of this rage that an opportunity presented itself, an opportunity to express my rage, to release it in a seductive way, to attempt to use my wiles to get what I wanted for once instead of always selfishly giving up my desires. And the one seducing me, he too was looking for one to devour, to fulfill his unmet needs, to nourish his wounded ego, to restore his loss of desirability. We think our motives are true and this truth makes them somehow noble in their realness. But we are selfish narcissists and he no more loved me than I loved him.
We loved ourselves. We used each other merely to love ourselves.
And he called it a fairytale.
How perverse is that?
My fairytale Prince told me to my face he'd had the greatest passion with another woman days after the passion he'd shared with me.
What sort of bragging arrogance prompts a man to tell one recent lover of his trysts with another?
Upon finality of using you darling, I set out to use another and with great success, thought you should know.
And how was I to respond?
Good for you honey! Way to go! Here, have a beer. Truly you're a man now.
I mean, sweet Mary and Joseph! I am surprised at nothing, the things people will do and say.
I wanted to make you hate me because I thought that would make it easier he justified. Easier for whom exactly? The one who cowardly ran away from his passion? No one to blame but thyself, Adam. This Eve ain't sittin' around holding your hand while you fumble and falter and indecisively try to take back the decisions you let Mean Mommy make for you.
Your feelings are still so strong they radiate from your eyes and make your voice waver with uncertainty.
The volcano is stirring and when it blows the ashes won't so much as make me blink.
I am gone.
And you can't catch me and you won't find me and you no longer possess me. 'Twas all a ruse. Your lies have shattered the truth I held so dear. And this chapter was very mistakenly written.
Lucky for me His pencil has a thorough eraser.
And this sketch has been very much undone.
Adieu
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