Enough

I told her that I missed him for the first time in a long time, so much so that I almost called him the other night.
She smiled sadly, "You miss the old him, how he used to be, which doesn't exist anymore."  And that was a very sad revelation.

Going through something like this teaches you a great deal.  You learn who your true friends are and who they aren't.  People are so transparent.  We all think we're such fine actors and can hide behind a mask of platitude and niceties and no one will ever catch on to the purity of our hearts, or the lack thereof.  There have been people I was sure would judge me who've been mercifully loving.  There have been those I trusted implicitly with my most vulnerable secrets who have shown me some of the harshest, most rejecting love.
But to my horror or amusement, the callousness no longer rattles me. 
It simply is. 
And I, ever so amenable, have adapted gracefully.

My energy,  my time is not to be spent on the two faced, the double minded, the piously judgmental, the heartless.  They only take and my relationships are to be reciprocal or nonexistent. 
Solitude is too blissful an existence to sacrifice for the unworthy.
So when I must see you I am loving, it is how we are to be and your disdain does not make me falter on this love walk. 
It only strengthens me.
Never underestimate the power of a loving, forgiving heart. 
It is capable of much more than you could ever dream of.

One who delights in passing judgment on me knowingly steals from work daily, gossips about coworkers not the least of which includes me and my unforgivable debauchery.  Why we are so quick to forget that Jesus taught that sin is sin?  Yet this guy leading worship on Sundays is casting stones at me with enough force to shatter the toughest glass menagerie.  Where is our compassion?  Where is our daily embodiment that we ALL fall short of the glory of God?  Where is the realization that a sin that stems from a desperation for love may be far less fatal than one that is simply self serving?

Oh, but no that would take far too much internal insight to step out of the boxes our great grandfathers built and see the sinner as one sinned upon.  NO.  It is what it is what it seems to be what it always is what it shouldn't be.
Bad woman.
Vile temptress.
"We'll pray for you."

Another man doesn't know that I know he knows, but I do.  And sadly I had thought this man, this pastor, no less, would possess the heart of one who was more moved to love than condemnation.  But he looks at me with knowing eyes, he treats me differently, his look pleads what a shame, I thought she was different and God looks on as he misses the test, the test to love the unlovable, to judge not lest ye be judged, to forgive others so your father might also forgive you.

We are so transparent.

Do you, women, truly believe that your whispers, your winks of disdain, go unnoticed to the one you are attempting to spite?  Take off the airs you falsely douse yourselves in and be real for one truthful minute.  If you are haters then dare to be haters with every fiber of your being!  If you muster compassion then love unconditionally.  DO NOT speak lies and slander behind my back and smile to my face.
I spit in your conniving eyes. 
And I pity your inconsistency.
You who wear the sweater I gave you daily and who spent the money I gave you greedily, you who slander and condemn and judge, may you too endure the emotional blackmail, the complete betrayal that has once again shattered this cracked heart.
And may you experience the same mercy, the same loving compassion, the mutual level of understanding that you showed.
This 'Dogville' gives a whole new meaning to 'The Third place.'
May a fire free you from yourselves just as Justice saw fit at the end of that film.

His righteous mercy in all things.

I'll pray for you.