Hey Stranger

Someone walked into my Starbucks today and I took in a quick breath of excitement when I thought it was you.  I thought you'd surprised me and were magically walking through those doors to give me a big hug and see my sparkling face.
Of course, it turned out it wasn't actually you and I sighed a bit in disappointment.
But I don't know why I was so convinced that it was you.
I guess sometimes when we think too much on any one thing we start to believe it's somewhere when it isn't. 
Our minds are silly that way.

I started the book.
Reading the first page I laughed out loud in that loud way I do and someone near me in the library shot me a dirty look.
I smiled back at them and continued reading.
Somehow I knew you'd love that as much as I did.
The dedication includes: To everybody whose letters I haven't answered.
And since I'd already decided to write this, that seemed pretty damn ironic.
I love the happenstance that is life.

I also thought, Hey, what happened to my letter you were supposedly working on?
In addition to a pony and a take two, I claim ownership of said unwritten letter.
I always get what I want, after all.
At least, I like to pretend that I do.

I seem to have entered this new stage of contentment in actually relishing in the unknown.
My grandmother asked me the other night if I'd ever thought about going into management at Starbucks. 
I nearly choked on my wine.
I still haven't the foggiest notion of what it is I want to do but I certainly pray after all these years and all these jobs that it doesn't include Starbucks management. 
It certainly would be pretty damn hillarious though, don't you think?

My new manager is so delightfully mellow.  I think he is a kindred spirit and I definitely think I was brought  to the right location.  There's a comfort in feeling relaxed around my boss. 
It's very rare to find and definitely something I miss when it's absent. 
But there are a lot of things that are missed when they're not around.

I also had this revelation recently that we each must be longing for the same confirmation that the other is genuinely alright.  Maybe that's why I hallucinated that customer was you because for me, seeing is believing.  But I also know that what is best for me isn't always what's best for someone very different from me.  But that's something I figured out a long time ago so even if my inner little girl occassionally stomps her feet at not seeing her prince the woman in me believes the best and knows He's in control.

My mother seemed to understand that you must feel some responsibility for me.  And I decided that made me feel loved.  She also incitefully declared, that's what you're missing most, when I shared that for the first time I'd allowed myself to be the many layers I am and somehow you'd embraced every bitchycrazynaughtyvulnerablesweetness of it.  I also realized with everything I've gone through in my own life the circumstances of the situation hit a little close to home.  And that made me want to talk to you even more.  It's hard to not have an opinion about something that parallels my own life. 
But that also means I'm undeniably biased.
But I guess if we're honest, we all are.

I wanted to say I'm surprisingly happy.
And I miss your face every day.
And I care for you deeply.
And I know everything will be worked for His good.

I heard someone say something like If we knew what God was planning for us we'd agree with Him that we should be right where we're at while He's preparing it.
And I thought that was very true.
And I also found it very comforting that all the really savvy men in the Bible, men like Moses and David, committed wretchedly awful sins yet by Grace they were able to rise above them and do great things in spite of themselves.
And maybe in some backwards way, they wouldn't have risen to such great heights if they hadn't started in really dark shadows.

It was just a thought.
One of the many I'd share if I could.
But I know you already know that.

And one day, soon, I hope I can tell you all that's been bouncing around in my head.
I'd certainly love to hear all that's swimming in yours.