Rather let out lives lovingly express truth, in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly.....
I am many things, some you have seen, some you will never know. One of them, is that I am a writer. It is how I express my deepest, most honest, raw feelings and thoughts. I give you the gift of this raw, vulnerable truth, not because you deserve it but because I choose to lovingly give you all that you don't deserve. That's just me, that's my heart, the heart of the one you chose not, dear heart.
I want truth. And we naively believe that truth is only true if it is absolute, lasting truth. But our truth, then and now is not black and white with the clarity we'd always believed we saw everything. We love within our release. We accept things have ended, yet we acknowledge the impact of our loss.
My heart, my overwhelming desire, all I want in my short time here is to love, to use my gifts to bless and encourage others, to graciously accept the love from those who choose to share it with me. And you were one of the many who did share your love with me.
I think God instilled this great desire for companionship in our hearts so we would need Him, so we could have an intimate, loving relationship with Him. And that is truly enough. No one separates me from God's love. God is for me, who then can be against me? And He knows the purity of my heart. Regardless of the persecution, regardless of every Kaelinn and Jerad I encounter, God has glorified me, He has justified me, He is working to mold me into the image of His son. And I, in anticipation, am so delighted to be used in every way He sees fit.
But I am also merely human. I am weak and possess great needs. And sometimes, as my Mother so wisely puts it, I need someone with skin on. And there you were. And you, in those moments, possessed everything I so desperately needed. I didn't even know how much I hungered for your love until it was offered to me. What sweet bliss to feel I was truly captivating to a handsome, caring, wonderful man. Every time you looked in my eyes I could feel how beautiful you saw me. What an incredible gift. The way you held my hand, the way you found times to touch me in some way because you had to, because we were drawn to each other in a way that overpowered anything else we knew. That was magic.
So now, I must take all of that, all that possibility, the hopes and dreams and awakened fantasies and desires and release all of it. I will not remember the former things, I will neither consider the things of old, for behold, He is doing a new thing. I will perceive that. I will give heed to that. And you will always live in a corner of my heart that had held a special reseve for you.
The treasure within my trial with you is that I got to see the true colors of my heart reflected amidst this storm. I learned I can heal speedily. I can forgive those who spitefully use me and persecute me. I can accept the things I can't change. I can give thanks when I don't get my hearts desire.
I wanted to be your everything, to let you be my Prince, yes in all irrational insantiy, to make my life joined and centered with you.
And God knows my heart and He knows the plan He has for me and He controls all things and my times are in His hands...
And He said NO.
And I cried and I raged and felt sadness and confusion and regret and betrayal. And in His mercy, by His grace, I have found peace. I have acceptance. I have trust. I have faith. God is moving!
All I had wanted more than anything was you!
And I didn't get that.
And my joy and peace are not shaken.
How wonderful is our God?
He tests me. He lets me endure these trials. He is strengthening me for something great and I am thrilled.
And I, in truthfulness, do feel very sorry for your loss.
With love, to another one of the great fools among men,
May you always be haunted by the love you left in this chapter.
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