With or Without You

I looked in the mirror and smiled, a genuine, appreciative smile.
Somehow in that particular moment I felt luminous, and I remembered all that had truly transpired.
Looking in that mirror my eyes remembered, seeing what his eyes had reflected back to mine.
Beauty.
I felt captivating.
And radiant.
Wearing black lace, a dress that fought against the curves of my body when I bought it months prior yet with all hope I had bought it knowing someday it would share an eve with me.
And tonight was the night.
I felt alive and vibrant and hopeful to every possibility.
A man caught my eye as I was walking toward him and he couldn't look away.
He smiled, and I smiled back. Truly, I was seen.
And by more than the him I'd presumed was the one.  There are so many ones, how could there be merely the one when they so often turned the wrong corner?

He had told me over and over again that what hooked him were my eyes.
Deep grey and blue, like my favorite ocean on an overcast day.
And he had swam in that sea with adoration and desire.
You have a good nose, it's terribly cute, he had made me blush.
 I don't much care for my nose.
To be complimented on your insecurity always fills a tiny corner in your cracked heart.
He had seen what all had and what no one had.
And what a keen eye for noticing, my savvy suitor.

Most men were intimidated by me.
I don't think they quite knew how to handle me.
My strength overwhelmed them.
But this, he had confessed, was what drew him to me.
You are so sexy when you're strong.
And what a compliment that was.
What a long road I had taken to get here and someone appreciated the fight I had fought.

And I remembered the last time I saw him, his smiling face looking back over his shoulder at me as he walked away, whispering I'll miss you.
And I you, dear heart. And I you.

I walked along a street we all too recently had walked, arm in arm, how perfect those moments were, each stolen kiss a welcome surprise. Your resistance to the irresistible, 'twas adorably doomed. You fell entirely, keeping the rabbit hole warm. And I, in anticipation, with baited breath, remained content in waiting.
Truly the patience of old was reserved for you.
I waited for no man.
A walking contradiction, my darling, as you already knew.

I thought of how extraordinary the symphony was. How the last time I had been, and the time before, and the year further still, hand in hand with hearts I'd adored. And how I'd imagined yours too could have been one to cross such a threshold.

But girls are quite silly, as we are told growing up.

And somehow I knew that sitting here solo, champagne cocktail in hand, fitted black lace, glowing eyes, basking in all radiance, I was enough.
 The crystals sparkled overhead and I heaved a much needed sigh of contentment.
You too could have danced under these stars and felt the warmth in the music filled halls.
But you instead chose the path of Shoulds.
And this unknown, already blossoming from its recent pruning is none less radiant in your absence.

This beauty is intoxicating.
And it will always haunt you.
And that is my gift to you.