I am quite certain Timing has a most wicked sense of humor.
I think that if I were to be reincarnated in some form it would be Time.
She can be swift and cold, gentle and deliberately slow and always she is full of surprises.
A delightful contradiction, something I was happily embodying.
I am aware of the shift that has occurred in me. All that transpired has given me a new energy and that energy radiates through me, drawing different eyes. These eyes seem to see a secret dancing in my heart.
And they are curious.
I sat, writing, sipping coffee and smiling over the recollection of the buried love within, and then I looked up. Poised across from my table were a pair of engaging eyes willing me to look into them. They danced with mine, glancing away, glancing back, away again and then back. And I, eyes downcast, smiled knowingly. How wonderful to be seen as delicious as the brunch we hungrily ate from our plates. I wondered at the eyes next move as I gathered my things to leave, who coincidentally, stood up as I did. I waited in line to pay, feeling his approach before it happened.
What would those eyes reveal? What words would he choose to break the ice between us?
Those kids were sure cute with their tabasco sauce, he safely chose. I saw you laughing a couple times and glanced over to see what they were doing.
He smiled.
I laughed out of politeness and wondered what might have transpired if he'd replaced his formality with honesty.
I am drawn to you and that's why I kept looking over at you.
Something about you entices me.
Let me take you out and spend more time with you and learn what else is captivating about you.
Oh that I were a man, I'd shock the panties off women.
Well, you know what I mean.
Earlier this morning, heading into the church I'd frequented as of late I felt an overwhelming desire to be somewhere else. Without hesitation, I walked out, back to my car, wondering exactly where it was I should go. Cedar Mill Bible. The words came to my mind like a whispering nudge and I drove straight there. I don't think I've ever been to that church, at least not at an age that I can recall. And for some reason, I unknowingly felt compelled to go there. It was an insightful sermon and the worship was honest in its simplicity. And a man sat down beside me that I'd known over a year ago. Clever happenstance, I marvelled, You, Goddess of Time, never cease to surprise me.
And I quickly learned why I'd gone there.
What are you doing today? he'd eagerly asked me and when I told him, his shining eyes beamed, and he confessed, I'd love to tag along, if that's ok.
I smiled out of politeness. I'd stepped out of the familiar into the unknown and possibility had generously been given to me.
But this wasn't the moment I craved, my Time needed the solace of being simply with myself.
People are fascinating to watch. They work so hard to hide the truth behind their eyes and in their hearts and in their minds. But we so openly display our vulnerabilities for all the world to see, witnesses to the moments that break and restore us.
Waiting for a friend I'd witnessed a man who, too, was waiting for someone. When she arrived, in the dress she'd carefully chosen, he didn't hug her, didn't touch her and as they walked into the concert hall he walked ahead of her. The truth of their interaction was blindingly clear.
He didn't delight in her and that made me sad.
In contrast, my mind pictured how the exchange would have gone if my secret love had been the one waiting for me. I recalled how he behaved around me, our hands always finding one another, our hugs always finding their way back to each other.
He delighted in me and that made me happy.
There was a young couple next to me who most assuredly were on an early date, if not the very first. He, laughing nervously at everything she said, She, unable to sit still with nervous anticipation. They each kept playing with their cell phones unable to immerse themselves in the possibility of that moment. Their insecurities, their vulnerabilities, left them feeling exposed. And rather than dive into the time that was their now, they withdrew from it.
Witnessing their loss weighed on my heart.
Leaving the concert hall my eyes rested on a familiar face from long ago. Uncertain of my own desire for a reconciliation I ignored the memory that had registered and continued walking forward.
Teresa! he clearly called and my heart, in surprise, skipped a beat realizing he still, after all this time, saw me. Do you have a minute? he'd asked. I just wanted to say hi.
And once again I shook my head at the invasive persistence of my sister that is Time.
Any eve, any morn, anyone, at any moment.
It could be the next chapter and that put a smile on these anticipating lips.
For now I was content in myself, still basking in the afterglow of a very consuming love affair.
'Twas an affair to remember.
For this moment, at least.
No comments:
Post a Comment