Head Up. Sparkle On.

Today was a gorgeous day. 
The rain poured in buckets and in between such outbreaks it ceased along with the wind.
Rain makes people dance. 
They scurry quickly through the streets and huddle in corners to try and escape the attack of the water.
And occassionally someone stands quietly aside, watching, taking it all in.
Relishing in the rain.
And I loved that.

I love surprises. 

I think sometimes the reason we love people is because of how they surprise us.  The way they see something in us we forgot was there or the way they linger after we remove the disguises that hid our inner villains.  The surprising words they'll send our direction letting us know they do care, we do matter, and we are a part of them, even after we're gone.

I'm a communicator.  I need to express myself.  There is way too much bouncing around inside of me to stay trapped inside.  I always feel better when I write or run or make music or talk to a friend who allows me to be who I am.  The comedy was never wasted on me that I fell in love with a man who claimed he was a poor communicator.  I possessed enough thoughts and words and emotions for the both of us and always seemed to be incapable of not communicating them.  He claimed we were simply oil and water.  He never understood the beauty of such dichotomy.  But that's why he's no longer in this chapter.

It's incredible to me how many people want to change you, refute you, discredit you, belittle you. Where were those who merely wanted to embrace you?
And that's why I missed him most.
Nothing was too anything.  I disclosed everything.  I apologized for nothing. 
I was all that I am.
And that was delightful.

Once while in college I asked out this guy I'd been crushing on for months and revealed in openness my secret feelings to him.  I remember afterwards feeling like I was on a high, giddy with the freedom that I'd given him my truth.  Where most sane people would probably feel uneasy or nervous at such a revealing act, at such vulnerability, I felt alive and happy.

I've always been that way.

And I think that scares the crap out of most men.

But that didn't seem to be the case with him. 
And that made me smile.

He, like me, was unpredictable.  He lacked the guises and charming rhetoric that most used to attempt to sell a certain version of themselves, a way they wanted to be seen, a person they thought I might fancy.
He had been undeniably uncandid, frighteningly honest, disclosing more than he probably should and yet all I could be was intrigued.

Who does that?  And what in me led him to be so raw?
It was intoxicating.

And somehow while part of me wanted more and longed to see him, still another part of me loved the simplicity in our released love.  That's sweet of him to check in, a friend of mine had said. 
And it was sweet.  But more than that it surprised me.  It was unexpected.  And I loved that.

I remembered how much I'd longed to hear from one who no longer had room for me in their busy life.  And I hoped and I believed and I trusted they would be who I always believed them to be.  And I did hear from them.  And they were harsh and condescending and withdrawn and they had contacted me merely to declare their indifference.
And I wished I'd never heard from them.
Truth is stronger than hope when it shatters with such intensity.

And juxtoposed, the Surprising One delighted in me.  My presence was welcomed and cherished and I was grateful to be reminded of what love looks like.  It is not the bombardment of condescension in an effort to diminish the heart of one who is incapable of ceasing to love.  It is the trust that this one is worthy of your truth, that if the rest of the world is busy in the distraction of an unending game of deception, we would pause to be honest with one another.  Because we knew that is what each of us would want.

He had found a way to reach out in spite of all who would will him to destroy my affection.
One had withheld himself, another had allowed himself to remain affixed.
And I thought of my Psuedo who always reached out, in his way, in his time, always.
And in some way I knew he would too, my surprising Surprise.
And that anticipation was mine and mine alone.
It was my secret, housed within, untouchable.

The sun is out now and the streets have calmed down. 
And after the storm, truth seems to reveal all that was always there.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
And now I cling to what I knew, I saw exactly what was true
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.