Maybe I will be wrong

Sometimes I remember the most random things.

I remember almost verbatim the entirety of the email I sent to Mr. Volcano months ago.  I remember the text I received from Prince Charming's Queen when he tricked me into believing it was him I was talking to.  I remember the ridiculous amount of nights I spent at that Lebanese restaurant thinking that night was going to be the one Narcissus turned back into a prince.

I'm no expert.  I don't think anyone can truly be a guru on the powers of the Big G but I'd like to think I can at least be an expert on learning from my own idiotic choices.  And one thing I can say is that childish behavior is not rewarded.  And you will never get anything if you need it to the point that your happiness depends on it.

I used to want one thing and one thing only: to be reconciled to my lost love.  At first, of course, like any stubborn dumpee I was convinced we should be together.  Then as months passed, I accepted that wasn't what was best for either of us.  But I believed we were to still play an important role in each others lives.  Mr. Volcano, however, felt differently.  It was the most hurtful, unpleasant goodbye of my life.  Narcissus was certainly a close second. 
But Mr. Volcano was different because it was much more pointed. 

It's the people who've truly loved you that have the capability to hurt you in the harshest way.

So for some damn reason (and yes, it was a damned reason because it felt like a curse on my heart) I was convinced, I believed with every fiber of my cracked little heart that we would be reconciled.  Even though he told me straight out he wanted nothing to do with me ever again.  Even though he'd told me he'd regretted it all.  Whether it took six months or six years, I didn't care.  I knew in my gut there was a reason I was determined not to give up on him and I trusted that feeling because there was absolutely positively no rational reason for it to exist. 

I'm no dummy.  I may be naive at times or foolish or believe the best of even the most frightening of villains but I know when I've been beat.  I'm not one of those insecure girls who pines for a guy who doesn't want her. 
I deserve so much better than that.
So why, oh why oh my oh my, did I even want to be friends with this nemesis?
What did he have to offer me? 
Absolutely nothing.
Did he make me feel good when I was around him?
Everything but.

So why did I have this nagging at my heart that forced me, almost against my own will, to continue believing in this child of a man?

Sometimes God puts pretty crazy things on our hearts.
And no, I'm not trying to use God to justify my own will.
My will wants to never see the douchefuck again.

Did ya hear that Big G?
Never. Again.
Adios!
Sianara.
Ciao you man with more personalities than I have dresses!

I no longer luff him.
Not even with two F's.

So I know.  I know that I know that I know that this stubborn belief in the good in him is outside of myself because I don't wanna believe in him!  Do you know what I wrote to him when I did all those months ago?  I wrote him that even though I'd heard all about the hateful things he continued to say about me and even though I knew he went out of his way to cause me pain  I still believed in the amazing man that he is.

Gah!
Yuck.
Vomit on my new fabulous Via Spiga shoes.

Scratch that.
I love those.

And no, he never wrote me back.
What could he say?

Gee, Reese.  Thanks for always being so consistently loving.  Especially in contrast to how I'm consistently an asshole.

No man is that amazing.
And if he is?
THAT'S the man swag enough to snatch me up.

Because I deserve an honest, consistent, loving, different kind of man.
The rest of you only make great fodder for my blog and future best sellers.

Which I do appreciate.
So thank you for your mediocrity.


So now?
Truth be told?
I don't want my reconciliation anymore.
I mean, it feels moot.
I've moved on.
I've loved another.
I've had a whole fairytale and fairynightmare since then.
Mr. Volcano is merely a spot on the Monet that is my love life.

And yet there was a moment today when I looked out the window at these trees and the sun breaking through one of them.  And I smiled remembering to remember him. 
And I thought, wouldn't it be something if I'd been right along?
If he did enter stage left back into my life again?

And I got my reconciliation after all?

We do get the things we want when we no longer need them.

Nah, I casually told the Big G.
You have someone much better in store.

But a little smile crept across the corner of my mouth in spite of me.

I do still believe in him.

And being wrong about that?
Well.
It still won't stop me from praying for him and sending him love and light when he does cross my mind.

Mix that with your stevia and choke on it.
For the second time.