Close Up

I thought I wanted something the other night. Words can be very inviting.  Or also just a big load of crap.

Few people actually mean what they say.  More pointedly, few back up their words with their actions.  I DO what I say.  I mean what I do.  I don't suffer from buyers remorse or regret my choices because I'm in it when I choose it.
Lucky me.

Today is my movie premiere.  It's the second film premiere for me.  My last premiere was last June and my date was a very awkward, tall, shy kid.  He wanted to talk so I missed the after party.  It was the longest walk of my life and as always him and I ended up nowhere.  Full circle.  Back at a dead end.

This year I am without a shy, confused guy on my arm.  Breathe in a sigh of relief.  I always think I want them near and somehow never remember the sting of their wavering affection.
Somehow I manage to open up again and again and taste their rejection before I realize I've been set up. Well played as always.  Though this girl is beginning to see.

So I took myself to my makeover.  I always do my own makeup so for special events it's nice to have someone else's artistic touch.  I want to look like someone different tonight.  I feel differently.  I am.

I've only been at my new job less than a month and my sales compete with the top seller in my department.  My managers are so proud.  And I am thrilled to see firsthand I'm in the right place.  It feels great being good at something.  And my first paycheck was my instant gratification.  It is more than two times what my best paychecks were last year.  With this kind of income I don't have to fear my singlehood- I can just be.  As I am. Uncommitted. Free to explore. Self sufficient. Sa-tis-fied.
Definitely not without.

So in honor of such an occassion, such mountains climbed, such heights I've managed to stand tall on, I searched for a reminder in a sparkly piece of jewelry.  I adore jewelry.  And I've only bought myself a handful of beautiful pieces.  All meaningful, all at special moments.  There have only been two men in my life who've bought me jewelry.  Funny to have loved so many and maintain so few love tokens.  I don't have any of it anymore.

So I found a gorgeous ring and bought it for myself. 

Because I can.

I really can have my cake and eat it too.

Some, however, cannot.

Damn.