Colorless Rainbows

I often ask people questions. It's my way of being inquisitive. It's also a way of getting the introverts in my life to open up. Sometimes I ask questions that, surprisingly, when asked reciprocally I have no idea how to answer them.


I once asked someone what it was they needed. To my surprise they answered thoroughly with all promptness, rattling off a list of specifics and I categorically filed them away. Then they in turn asked me what I needed and I was silent for a long while.

Some things are most difficult to put into words. I think I started to open my mouth to speak several times but nothing seemed to come out. It's not that I'm unable to speak my mind, dare I even jest, it's that sometimes my mind doesn't know how to use my mouth to communicate. So eventually, with all simplicity, I said, "honesty and consistency." And while that may not seem like a lot, it is in fact very difficult for people to give. As I'm growing older I feel that my tolerance for mistreatment has waned. I simply don't want to spend time with the selfish, the users, the narcissists or the moody. Pick a personality and stick with that, then we can all act accordingly.

And please don't lie and say you were just having a bad day or didn't mean what you said because frankly darling, that's a pile of bollocks. I have awful things happen to me the same as you and I find a way to remain kind and loving in spite of the demons trying to sabotage my joy.  It is possible to be in pain and still be human.  Stop justifying your hate with the wrongs of others.  Shouldn't someone eventually accept responsibility or are we always to blame the Capulets and the Montagues? And truthfully, you did mean the words you spoke for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. That means it was first IN you to come out of you. Ooh, I caught ya, didn't I?

There are some people we forgive and love and let back into our lives time after time no matter how indefinitely they let us down. But patterns don't break unless something forces them to. They break when what was once tolerated is nonexistent.  The game must end when you choose to no longer participate. One of my friends almost annually goes underground and won't see me or contact me for months at a time. She isn't off the map entirely, of course, she merely seems unable to make room in her life for lil' ol me. And always when she finally comes around, in need of something I can offer, I let her back in and we mend the bond that was strained.  And true to form, after enough time, she disappears all over again.

This is what a cycle looks like.

And this, contrastly, is what maturity looks like.

I'm taking my crayons and I'm going home.

I just don't wanna play anymore.