I have wanted to get married for as long as I can remember. I held to the title of hopeless romantic like it was an endearing petname measured with the affection of my darling or dear heart. I bought myself items for my imaginary hope chest being that no large wooden box existed in my belongs. I even bought myself a hope ring as a reminder that someday some man would buy me a ring just as beautiful and think of me as his very own emerald.
Tonight while I was talking with my grandma I realized the thought of getting married makes me want to vomit.
I'm not being figurative here, Grandma literally made the statement, "It's gonna take a special man to marry you because you're not a typical person" and I physically shuttered.
My body can't even handle the thought of such a thing.
Maybe my bride gene was destroyed by all the hair coloring I've done in such a short time. Three colors in one year is a lot of pressure to put on the hair folicle.
Then again maybe I've finally stepped through the looking glass.
So often what motivates our behavior is fear.
Grandma shared with me a story about a man she grew up with who at age sixty was diagnosed with cancer. Upon receiving the news, she said he went home, took a shower and shot himself in the head. Just like that; news, action. We hear stories like that and we think how sad, how awful but how many of us shoot ourselves in our own way daily with our fear and lack of faith? That man was prompted to action but the wrong action. We see things in such jaded light; if it can't be X then there is no other possible letter because Lord help us if something occurrs we hadn't thought of.
What if I step into the unknown will I be forgotten? Isn't it better to stay on the assembly line, smling and nodding and not causing any trouble?
What if, since we're all so fond of what if's, that man's illness had strengthened his faith, drew him nearer to God and his loved ones and was used to minister to hearts about the divine love and mercy that is our God? Isn't that the whole purpose of our trials, to draw strength from Above, to overcome, to push ahead to win the supreme prize awaiting us? Isn't that why every miracle occurred in the New Testament, to show the changing power of the Almighty God? Could the miracles have happened if everything was coming up roses?
If then we choose to run away before the hand has been dealt to us aren't we in essence cheating our fate? Is failure really worse than never knowing?
Perhaps I'm a foolish risk taker. I have a remarkable confrontational honesty that makes other wise sane people most uncomfortable. They simply don't want to step off the assembly line. People just don't DO that. They lie out of timidity. They placate out of misplaced neccesity. They ommit to save face and belittle to try and darken joy. NO ONE SPEAKS IN LOVE HONESTLY.
Wouldn't it be nice if you were that one.
What if you surrounded yourself with the people who encourage and uplift you instead of the masses. What if you let go of every toxic relationship that is hindering the plan God has in store for you. Just set your fear aside and look instead at all that is inside, just past the tinted glass. You're shooting yourself in the head every day by pretending to be a robot when you know there is something far greater waiting for you. Just let the rain come and drink it in. At least this pain is real. And genuineness is worth far more than illusion any day.
I'll take freedom for 1000 please.
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