Day 223 (And a half, since it's after midnight)

Today I learned acceptance.




Timing is really such a bizarre thing. I remember feeling like this one guy in college and I were always off. I liked him but he didn't like me. And then he liked me but I was still not over my ex. And then I, and him and back and forth and...well, nothing. It never became anything actually. Timing can do that to you.


I met with a close friend recently who reminded me of all that. At one time, I very much wanted to be his girlfriend. And now, years later, I find that he is one of my dearest friends and marvel at how we were able to get there, in spite of ourselves.


I also heard from someone else from my past today who apologized for an offense that had ocurred so very long ago. And now, after all this time, an answer to a riddle that had baffled me.


And all of this, all at once, all this past once again on my couch and on my computer and I thought how sometimes what we think is right before our eyes, we won't even fully comprehend until so much time has passed that we've nearly forgotten it. And people are all too similar in their patterns of behavior, their doubts and insecurites and old fallbacks.


But hearing someone else who's gone through that very thing, where your heart wants something to work but you're stuck in your head somewhere, somewhere in your past where you fear you're turning back into that old version of yourself you thought you'd locked neatly away and suddenly everything you fouled up comes spilling out of the closet, right at your feet and you're convinced it's all going to happen all over again. Scene by scene; exit new character. And while the truth may very well be that you ARE different, that this time isn't going to be what you fear from the past, the inability to let go of that uncertainty becomes your tragic downfall. And what a shame. But it was nice, it was really nice, for one moment to feel like I understood, at least a portion of it all. Maybe while we all go searching for ourselves, thinking we're losing some part of it as we let another into our world, we're actually finding what we thought we lacked. Maybe that person who's right for you teaches you to let go and trust. And the success is not always in simply doing things right but in the ability to grow with the people around you, stumbles and all.


Someone once told me that what they loved about me was my promise to let them go if they needed me to. I never realized at the time how foreboding that was. Hold all things loosely. I guess Jesus knew a thing or two about man and his heart. It's a good thing the greatest of these is love because one day, I'll find someone who sees that too. And sees all that is really there, the first time.