A Severe Mercy

I pulled up to the house and prayed continually His will be done. I walked up to the front door and as I knocked my heart began to beat louder than the warble of the birds behind me. You know that contrived expression time stood still? Well, in that moment, it did. And as the door opened I saw him standing there and the expression on his face, beyond description. I'm an intuitive person, I could always read this person in an oddly keen way and there they stood with a look I was unable to decipher. Was it hatred, anger, sadness, surprise? I didn't know. And in that silence we just looked at each other and I kept waiting to see what would happen. What would he say? Would he accept the boundary I'd set in love with acceptance or disdain? I looked in his eyes searching for the truth. No word was uttered, I don't think he even blinked. The silence was strangling so I finally spoke, almost from a Will not my own.






I'm not very good at knowing when to say when. Perhaps it's the passionate side of me or my inability to believe the bad in people or the fact that I won't give up because I see things from so many angles that when one way doesn't work, I'm SURE a new tactic will.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So what is loving over and over again expecting different results? Insanity? Aw, I thought this jacket made it difficult for my arms to move.



Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever been wrong about something? Let me rephrase that, have you ever been wrong about someone? (Cut to obvious reaffirmation). I have lost my temper before. I have said things I didn't mean or done things I wished I could take back and that is such a sinking feeling. The shame and the disappointment in both self and the circumstances that prompted you to be that person you thought you weren't.

But what about those times, those rare moments when you're someone you didn't even know you could be? Where the loving forgiveness in your speech and the calm acceptance of your actions shocks even you as you deliver them?

I'd never experienced that before. It must be like making it to the top of a climb you've been working at for years or finally mastering some concerto or solving some great problem. There is this proud feeling that wells in your gut as you whisper internally, "I did it. WE did it. His word was Right and He did give me strength. God is so good." And while it makes you smile, your eyes continue to well with surprise.



It was only one (and counting) but I'd learned to love the unlovable. To embrace and accept and encourage every selfish, unstable step and let go of my hurt feelings, my dashed hopes, my need for consistency, my need for their love. And what a triumph! What a wonder to see God's changing power! This in a girl who months prior wouldn't accept anything other than her own wishes had now learned to give thanks through tears for getting nothing that she wanted and all of what He wanted her to endure and grow in.



You see this unlovable, this dissatisfied, lost soul never knew what they wanted, still doesn't, perhaps never will. But with each indecisive wish, I nodded my head a sound Ok.

You don't want to see me? Alright.

Now you do want to see me? Sure.

You want me to go with you? It would be my pleasure.

Now you decided you don't want to go at all? Well, I have to accept that.

Now you hear I'm going without you and you want to go and meet there? Um, ok, I guess, if you say so.

Now you see me there and act icily indifferent upon seeing me? Ouch, but I'll believe the best. Here, read this encouraging scripture, I hope you have a fun rest of your trip.

Now you want to see me again but things are REALLY different this time? Really, you're convinced. It's not like the 7 times before. Well, ok, my friend, your wish is my command.

Now you want to make all these plans for all these trips, these adventures and I'm starting to feel the cinches on my jacket grow tighter and tighter. Maybe this urging in my spirit to break away is right, I fear. Maybe it's best for me, for both of us, if we end this cycle. Maybe a substantial fast from one another will bring us to the place where a friendship can ensue. Maybe in time you'll learn to get out of your mind and into the Truth. How wonderful that would be! Then we could share in joy how peace had replaced your confusion. Maybe it's time I communicate this to you. Ok, here goes.



And so here I am, standing at the door. Looking in the eyes of a stranger. A stranger who tells me we shouldn't just take some time apart but that we can never talk again, never be in each other's lives. And I don't know why it takes me so many hours later to see that this proclamation was taking the boundary I'd set and altering it to a more extreme version, thereby making it HIS idea. Aw, clever, my double minded man! You almost had me fooled! Oh, and look at that! Deleted from your facebook already, too? ('Tis the official mark of a friendship, afterall). Well, you sure showed me. Hear, hear! What a mighty man of God, just as you set out to be. Let me summarize the rest of your meaning, on behalf of our audience.



"(Ahem): I'm sorry, but your behavior is too consistently loving for me. And so I need to be alone. Each time I am unkind, each time I say one thing and do another, each time I say hurtful things to try and turn you against me, you voice a soft answer and my wrath is left confused. I'm sorry but when you give me what I say I want, it's not what I need and that's your fault for not hearing what I never spoke. And I'm sorry, but your recent letter was everything I needed to hear and was much too nice. It is just impossible, so obviously you're a fake and a liar. And I can't have people who treat me with love in my life. I know I said a few nights ago that you've been such an encouragement to me and that God has used you to bless me but I can't hear God right now. I'm too busy with my own thoughts. You, of all people, should understand that. It's not about everyone else, it's not even about God, it's about me. Can't you see that's why I wouldn't pray with you? If I prayed, I'd have to repent and I'm not ready to die to self yet. That's too painful and I'm not strong enough to leave Never Never Land yet. That's why I'm running away again, like I told you I always do. That way no one will find me in the mountains. I'm sorry, I thought I made that clear."



So now, here we are. And in spite of what the world and my flesh deems deserved, I will continue to pray for the dear one who let the strongholds of his mind poison the love in his heart. And praise be that if we do what we can do, God will do what we can't do. My mourning has, to my surprise, quickly ceased and I rejoice in the greater plan God's already put in motion for me. And one day, the pain of this severe mercy will give way to tears of joy when the rainbow that's patiently waiting breaks through these stormy clouds.



Thank you for urging my will to give way to Yours. I'm so glad I was quiet long enough to hear the Whisper inside of me.