Day 222

Today I learned resolve.



I think feeling out of control will do that to you, eventually. Well, either that or you'll just start acting crazy, self destructive or irrational (which I possibly am, but am saving that for private time and not for all of cyberspace).

I don't know what my future holds but....I guess I don't need to know. Maybe the acceptance of living unawares is the point.


This morning I awoke feeling wretched, even more germ infested than the day before. It's like the little bastards multiplied and started colonizing in new areas of my body and removed all my energy in the process. And as I dragged my piteous self out of bed I looked out the window and saw it was such a sunny and bright day. And I was flooded with a determination to enjoy it, in spite of myself. Today is a new day, I thought. The sun is shining, today I'll feel better, all my prayers will be answered and I'll finally get my rainbow. And then I stepped outside and felt the crisp bite of the cold and the miserable reality of my circumstances once again set in. I had to laugh, though, at the duplicity of it all. There are a lot of things like that seeming a certain way and in reality, completely different. Sunny, yes but warm? Hardly. Most things are double sided and sometimes the dichotomies aren't even reflecting the truth. Each side is a vantage point, but it still fails to reveal what is, merely what may be for the moment. Guess that's why a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. He doesn't truly know what he wants. He doesn't know if he's a foot or a chicken.

(Yeah, I've never understood that expression, but my parents used it all the time growing up. I think it was from some tv ad or something and now here I am, 28, with some inane expression I don't even understand in my mind that I deem appropriate to bring up at this present time. I don't fathom the logic behind my actions and yet I'm continuing to regurgitate the same stuff just to complete the cycle. It's beautiful, really. Or depressing. Either way.)


But I guess through all of it, while one says to move out East and another says fight for what you want, all I can do is pray without ceasing. Nothing two faced in that. A friend reminded me that our whole lives, no matter what our age or where our walk, that God is continually trying to spiritually mature us and draw us closer to him, in everything we go through. And some, understandably, are intimidated with the trials life brings and would rather continue to project dueling view points than settle on one and see it through. And how can we blame them? It's scary to admit the truth and let go of the false delusions we spend our whole life trying to accept. Duality can break a person. And that's why I opted for resolve. Wherever I go, however I choose, I'm leaving the doubt where it belongs. Out of my way. I have some life to catch up on.